Well I went into work as planned and told them about my record when they were filling in my CRB form and I was so shocked that they said "no probs there" and so I am still working and doing really well.
Kind of shocked myself really at the amount of skills I have that I didn't know about. The biggest thing for me about volunteering is having a purpose, achieving something every day etc..... I feel like a new person and it keeps me motivated and smiling.
I do have a phobia of using the phone and when my "boss" asked me to make some calls I burst into tears!!!!! DURRR..... He told me that its not a problem and I can work on it tomorrow with some help. The trouble is I am crapping myself and keep thinking if I use I will have the confidence to do it. Not the right way to think about it really and counter productive.
I am reading a book called "feel the fear - and do it anyway" If anyone has confidence issues I recomend reading it, it has helped me realise that the one reason we all feel fear is because we are going to be doing something that is going to better us. It also explains that we don't fear "rejection, being alone, messing up etc etc but we fear "not being able to handle it" You can narrow down every fear to those words. I am fearing using the phones tomorrow but think how I will feel when I come home and have done it!!!!!!!
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I would like to add that having a blog is great - I have read everything that I have put so far and I am surprised at how far I have come in such a short amount of time. My thought pattens have altered dramatically since having a purpose in life (volunteering) and I don't think about using half as much - this blog just shows that.
For anyone who is got to a chapter in life where you are nearly clean and not at risk of using, I strongly recommend volunteering as like I have just said [ ... ]
Written by Ellie on September 28, 2009, 08:52:39 AM
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Went in on friday as planned. They were happy with my typing skills etc and then they told me that I can start tomorrow (tuesday)to do the basics of the job and once my C.R.B check comes though i will be able to do the "whole" job. Well that was a bomb shell. I wasn't honest when I was filling in the forms and didn't tell them I was a drug user or that i had a criminal record. I was caught doing chequebooks about 11 years ago and was given probation, then about 10 years ago I was caught with my dealer and charged with conspiracy to supply, which was taken to crown but all charges dropped.
So I then panicked and thought I would just not answer the phone when they ring today and ignore it..... I then thought better of it and emailed the guy who has been helping me to explain that i lied and to apologise. I really want to do this but it seems that no-one will trust me to work in a shop or an office, that leaves dustman or road sweeper..
I want to change my life and show a good example to my wonderful girls but how do I do that??? I feel that there is no point in trying and I might as well go back to what i am good at. the damage was done years ago when i picked up that first piece of tin foil...If someone told me that it would effect you for the rest of your life and you would not be able to change things when you decide to stop, I probably still would have done it, but where do I go now. Do I pick up the phone and be mature about it or hide like I've always done?
I keep crying as its really getting me down, feels like I've hit a brick wall and no-one is giving me that sledge hammer i need. I want to be positive and and I want to think to myself " right, next hurdle" but its so hard.
What now???
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Thank you Will-c you have been a great help, like I have said in my latest update - this blog is great for seeing how far you come and when I read my first one, I can see that in just a small amount of time I have really grown as a person. So thanks again for all your comments, and I hope the training went ok?
Hi Ellie, A few things jumped out at me when reading your blog.
First you need to leave yourself along for a bit as, you seem to give yourself a very hard time over what you did during the years you used street drugs.
Now lets look at the CRB thing with an open mind. At this point you haven't lied you have chosen to not disclose information which in all fairness has been spent under the rehabilitation of offenders act. You get two different kinds of CRB check, a basi [ ... ]
Written by will-con September 29, 2009, 11:47:28 AM
Written by Ellie on September 22, 2009, 10:38:23 AM
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Can't believe I will be starting work this week.!!!.
Went to the volunteers center and he was impressed with me so offered my volunteering placement to be there!! I am going to be working in the admin side of things with full training and they will fund me to go to collage to do my NVQ. So all the worries I had were for nothing (isn't that always the way?)
I feel I have been given a great oppertunity to learn new skills and to help me back into work in the near future. What a great place to do it though as the volunteer center helps people with confidence problems get back into work so I know they will be patient with me. Had to find and dust off my old suit!!! LOL.
Got a stinking cold and thought as I feel like I'm clucking i might as well reduce my subs again. I can then tell myself its not the subs thats making me feel ill but the cold!! Its not swine flu so I know I won't be turing into a pig just yet!! "swine flu - Bacons revenge" Feeling happy with the way things are going and I feel more excited about friday then I do worried! That always has to be a good thing!
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congratulations on finding a voluntary job with with meaningful purpose, from what you started your blog with; I think you would have been wasted standing behind a charity shop counter, so I am glad for you, that you have a role which will offer you back as much as you give to the role. I will be going on a training course sort of thing in a few weeks myself, its for the CSCE and health and safety certificate to get me back into labouring and building work, its when I am happiest digging holes, [ ... ]
Written by will-con September 24, 2009, 08:31:46 AM
Good luck for tomorrow Ellie, it'll be fine....then you've got the weekend to recover! Jules
Written by Juleson September 24, 2009, 06:50:41 AM
Nice one Ellie, dead chuffed for you,
Written by Wolandon September 23, 2009, 09:52:07 AM
Written by Ellie on September 14, 2009, 09:37:15 AM
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Well here goes, 30 minutes till I have to go to the volunteers center to see if I can find something to do with my life. Kind of a scary thought but looking forward to it. Nerves setting in and I have no idea why.....
Was seriously thinking of scoring today - what a stupid thing to do if I did. Why the hell was I thinking like that?? I think saying good bye to my old life and saying hello to a new one could be the reason. The subs and morphine tabs I'm taking are doing the job so I don't NEED to use, actually I don't want to but am finding it hard to get it out of my mind. You know when it gets there its hard to remove?
I keep thinking that the amount of effort I used to put in to scoring or getting the money to score was amazing. I always got what I set out to do, always achieved what I wanted. If I put the same amount, or even half the amount of effort into doing something constructive I will be able to achieve anything.........
Keep that thought!!
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Changing your life like that is pretty scary and it's easy to think you could go back to your old ways and what you know. But at the end of the day you've had the courage to put these plans is action and when you feel the benefit of the change of lifestyle it's very rewarding! W
Written by Wolandon September 14, 2009, 05:37:47 PM
Written by Ellie on September 10, 2009, 11:03:41 AM
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Ok here goes........'"reaches for fags and signs-where the hell do I start?"'
Having been on meth/heroin for nearly 14 years, it is a great comfort to know that with the help of the internet (bows to screen!!) I can finaly read/write with others who know what the hell I am on about. Yes we all know "real" people that "get us" but how many of them talk about their drug problems openly when your scoring or doing gear??? None that I know...
This is a great comfort as at this time I am heroin free (used about 6-9 times in the last year) but there is always that something in the back of my head....Do I miss the "gear" or is it the whole package I miss???
My life is good, in the sense that my drug use is "stable" (and I do say that loosely as IT is on my mind constantly) I left my partner last year with my two daughters to give them and myself a better life. Moving 300 miles away from where all my drug problems were has helped greatly, this has to be the key to my success. I now have a lovely home, my bills are paid on time, my kids are doing well at school, I wash every day (which I think if everyone who does drugs are honest-self hygine is bottom of the list at times). I have money spare (what the hell do I spend the small "spare" bit on now?) I have an xbox 360,wii, flat screen tv etc etc...... My home is very nice and always clean.
BUT...I'm bored....Now what do I do, the excitement has gone from my life. There is no long waiting around in cars for that hit, no more "am I going to get caught scoring" I feel like I have no identity. All I've ever known is drugs and the life style. I don't know who I am and although I am drug free the reality is I don't know what to do. Deep down I don't want to be living that life but DEEPER down I do. I want to do right by my children and family but WTF .......I'M BORED.
Have appointment with job center today to talk about doing part time work, once I am working thats it really, I am officially a "stand up person of the community".
The sad reality of it is that I hated the life at the time so why do I miss it so much. There are times when I want to go into town and start hunting it down (after all its not hard is it??) I don't know what stops me.... the love for my c [ ... ]
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I am sure your anxieties will settle, I always say its like water which finds its own level. It took me years to get to grips with my anxiety which looking back would have been described by the psychologically minded crew as toxic anxiety; from having a life full of running and fighting.
In some ways we kind of seek out the boredom as it allows us to fantasize about the escape and all the excitement wrapped up in knowing your doing something thats ripping the very heart and soul out o [ ... ]
Written by will-con September 11, 2009, 11:08:58 AM
Have a look at www.do-it.org. They've got loads of stuff in their Arts & Culture section, depending on where you live. I spent my first year of sobriety working at an animal rescue centre and I was scared witless at first....and I only started off stuffing envelopes! Soon progressed to Volunteer Co-ordinator and it really gave me back my self-esteem and the confidence to get a paid job. Good luck!
Jules
Written by Juleson September 10, 2009, 05:20:08 PM
Thanks Will-funny enough I spoke to them and they offered volunteer work too! As I completed 2 years at uni, doing art, they are looking for something "arty" for me. Did feel a prat though as I nearly started crying (the subs???) !!!! It did take me 10 minutes to walk through the door and pluck the courage up to do it though - nearly walked away and had a few strange looks as I said to myself " get a grip!!!"
Am I strange for missing that life??? It is something I ask myself quite a [ ... ]
Written by Ellieon September 10, 2009, 01:11:30 PM
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