Written by purplehearts on April 30, 2009, 09:15:48 AM
share
options
well I was up all night again, my valium script has run out and I couldn't sleep with all the shit going through my head. I'm still so young but I feel about 80 with the things I've seen and experienced - rape, domestic violence, street homelessness, eating disorders, miscarriage, heroin addiction....But nothing even comes close to the pain of losing my beautiful 5 week old son. I would go through it all again to bring him back. How can it be right that I am burying my child? I'm still in something of a daze, and the realisation of what I've lost is coming in waves. Each one feels like being stabbed in the heart. I look at my other beautiful boy and even though I am so grateful to have him, it makes me painfully aware that my family has been torn apart. There should be four of us, not three; I should be a mother of two, not one. My boy is not supposed to be an only child. He had learnt how to say the baby (Jay)'s name, and when we came home from hospital without him it hurt so much hearing him say it over and over. But what hurts more is that he's stopped saying it now. He's already forgotten he ever had a brother. AS I said, I'm still for the most part feeling numb, and I'm torn between feeling guilty for not feeling more, and wanting to stay numb for as long as possible because when the hurt properly hits me, I just don't know how I will cope with it. My blessings right now are my partner, my little boy and my parents. I am scared of losing my partner too, to drink, drugs or jail. I am scared that the grief and hurt and anger will take over him, and I'll have to bury my son and his father in the same year. The only way I can see is getting through this is by sticking togethr. We are the only ones who can truly understand how it feels to lose Jay; and I feel that we need each other. I am physically exhausted, but scared of going to bed. The memory of finding my little one, grey, floppy and lifless in that room is replaying again and again in my head. And even though there are three of us sleeping in one bedroom, it still feels empty. I would give anything to have him back. I miss him so much my arms are phsyically aching with the longing to hold him close to me. The valium were really helping me. They were the only thing that was enabling me to get some sleep and refresh myself, and calm my neves about [ ... ]
1 Comment
Hi purplehearts - the stuff you have written is very moving. This feels a very frustrating and inadequate way of making contact with you at such a harrowing, painful time but I am very glad that you get some comfort from the comments.
It is awful that you have been treated so badly by the police at such a time - well at any time you shouldn't be, - but particularly when you are in such pain. I am also sorry to hear that your doctor will not continue with the valium and because of this you feel you have to take other stuff to get some sleep. You could phone this site and ask for some advocacy - they may be able to approach your doctor on your behalf, and maybe even speak to the police about their attitude and behaviour.
I wish I could say and do more purplehearts, you are in my thoughts, alli x
Written by purplehearts on April 20, 2009, 01:25:38 AM
share
options
I have some bad news and really don't know where to start.
I went into premature labour at nearly 35 weeks. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who we called Jay. He was 4lbs 10oz and appeared fit and well. We took him home 6 days later. Over the next four weeks, he had three epsidoes of apnoea - he stopped breathing - but he came around quickly each time, and we were discharged from hospital with an apnoea alarm - which goes off if the baby stops breathing.
Then, on Friday, the apnoea alarm went off when we were both asleep. Jay had gone grey and stopped breathing. I called an ambulance, and did CPR on him but he didnt respond. The ambulance arrived within 3 mins and took him straight to hospital. The paramedics tried to ressuciate him, but couldn't.
When we arrived in hospital the team worked on him for half an hour, giving him several doses of adrenaline, drugs to stop him fitting, attempting to ressucitate him. I was told he'd had a cardiac arrest (where the heart stops). Eventually, they managed to get his heart started again and he was put on a ventilator and transferred to intensive care.
On Intensive Care, we were told that he was gravely ill and unlikely to survive. As his brain had been starved of oxygen for half an hour, he was severely brain damaged. In the unlikely case that he did survive, he would basically be braindead, unable to communicate, think, feel emotions or pain, do anything at all for himself. We were asked to consider turning off his life support machine.
It was the worst decision we've ever had to make, but eventually we decided that we should turn the machine off, and leave it in Jay's hands whether he wanted to live or not. He passed away peacefully in our arms shortly after.
I'm still in shock at the moment. The enormity of what's happened hasn't hit me yet. Sometimes something will remind me of him and I'll cry and scream and feel desperately sad and hopeless but then the feeling passes, and I just feel numb again. Maybe it's better to feel nothing at the moment. But I'm dreading the time when all my feelings come back and I have to face a life without my little angel.
I went back to the hospital to see him today. When he first died I found it difficult to look at him and hold him, because he didn't seem like my little boy anymore, and I di [ ... ]
6 Comments
Hi PH,
Like everyone else, I was deeply emotionally shocked to read your blog. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling. We have a 5 week old little girl and i am terrified about cot death, to the point i stay up most nights monitoring her, my partner says I am crazy and I should sleep but i only feel comfortable when my partner is awake.
please look after your self and let people look after you too. Your grief will happen no matter what you do, so if you need to use, get drunk, scream or hit out, do it but try and keep it safe for you and your little boy.
I am so very sorry for your loss, I look at the words I have written and they looks so empty and without emotion but my heart ached when I read your blog. Many years ago I too had to make that awful decision whether to turn off life support or not, my dad had a major heart attack and was starved of oxygen for quite a while. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I know it was the correct one. I was also glad that I revisted him later to see him at peace. Time is a healer, give youself time, everything so raw and painful now but remember your little angel will always be close to you. My thoughts are with you, take care. Love Maggie x
PH, My darling, i dunno what to say.......i wana just jump thru the screen to wherever you are rite now and hug you til the pain goes......but i cant....so im gona write to you instead.Please accept my complete condolances for your terrible loss......again ((((HUGZ))))) My best friends baby died of cot-death.He didnt suffer from sleep apnea..it was sudden and outta the blue.My friend was in her mid thirties and was a non drug user(it can happen to ANYONE sweety, not just ppl on methadone......cot death holds NO boudaries xxxxxxx) Her babby was 4 months old - He was just hitting his 'milestones'.....like smiling, responding and reaching for things,clapping hand etc..... You dont need to hear how and where......the story at this early stage, i feel, may upset you more ( or you maybe the complete opposite and WANT to hear other ppls stories, to feel like you can relate to yr situation more....if you DO......just tell me, and i am more than happy to tell you hr story xxxxxx.) My friend felt like her world had stopped......but that no- one elses had - the music channel still played all their songs, the news still came on reporting the worlds happenings, ppl still went to the shops to get their groceries, etc etc.......and she told me she just wnted to shout to the world " my baby has just died.....STOP doing whatever your doing, nothing is NORMAL anyomore".........i dunno how this is how you feel(and much more ) thru yr moments of complete numbness and desolation.........but this is just ONE example that particularly stuck in my head that my friend said to me. It wasnt my grief......but it was my bestfriends grief....and i felt a big part of it......i loved her little boy too. I KNOW there is nothin i can say to make it better or different, no-one can.......and im not surprised at all that your cravings have come bac....sweetie, i'm no-one to 'preach'......but i agree with yr other replies, that using will not make you feel better in the long run.....and then you are just adding another problem to your plate.It must be SOOOO hard to deal with, i really feel for you Purps. Anyone losing a child in this way is devastating......my friend felt bitter and ' why me?? '........this is totally normal to feel these feelings, and many more.Just like another reply to you read... 'grief is the bodys way of heealing' (or ssomething like!) ....i also feel this is true......and also that time IS a healer.....it really is.You a raw and bitter right now, and probably feeling your'e always gonna feel this way.......you will for a while, but i PROMISE you, you wont. You will always remember him, and want him bac, BUT you WILL start to feel a little beter one day, one day not too far away sweety. Before i go, i wanna tell you one more qwik 'story' ..........everyone probably remembers 'Ellie Lawrenson'....the little 5 year old girl mauled to death on new yrs day, not this one, the year before. I was also best friends with these ppl.......the mum, gran and auntie(ellies mums sister).I saw Ellie nrly everyday of my life......also her birthday is the day after mine. I went to her private funeral (made private because of all the media coverage).The saddest occasion ive been to. Another little Angel, Another little flower that was lent but not given.Ellies mum grieved, but i feel WEllies gran was in an awful position, too......she greived, but was also very traumatiseed by what she had saw and gone thru.....something that replays on her mind alot.(as does your terrible moments PH xxxxxx)She also nrly died during the dog attak Anyway, this isnt really what im writing abot here, at all....what i AM writing about, is that i know how absoloutly devasting a chils death can be.......a moment you looked forward to for nrly 9 months of your life.Then BANG.iN AN INSTANT, all cruelly taken away from you. You are (even tho you prob dont feel it rite now) are such a BRAVE, brave lady, and you and your family WILL get thru this terribly sad and unfair time, i promise you. I hoe ive not gone on too much, as the other replies were quite short but i just wanted you to know that you are not alone PH.........pls remeber that and pls feel free to msg or talk to me here ANYTIME. Take care, my dear.................my thoughts are with me totally.xxxxxxxxxxx love from LRXX
Written by lynseyrachelon April 23, 2009, 12:18:17 PM
PH, I'm so sorry, I just cried when I read your post. I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through - my baby died in the womb at 16 weeks and, although that was 15 years ago, I am reminded of that desperate grief when I hear of a loss like yours. I know there are no words of comfort - just that we are all thinking of you. My heartfelt love and condolences to you and your partner. Jules x
I'm so sorry to read of your loss, PH. It's an unimaginably cruel thing to happen and I don't know what to say other than that you'll be in my thoughts over the coming weeks. Please take care of yourself.
I haved been shocked and moved at reading your post - I can't imagine what you must be going through and my heart goes out to you. I want to be able to say or do something to connect with you and say something to comfort you at this awful time - but struggle to know what to say, do. Please know that I am sorry about what has happened and that my thoughts are with you. Please do message me if you want or tell me iif I can be of support to you in any way, alli x
Written by purplehearts on February 25, 2009, 01:48:47 PM
share
options
Well, not long left to go now, I'm 32 weeks pregnant and feeling it! it still hasn't really sunk in that soon I will be a mother of two, but I can't wait! Oh and this is going to sound really sad, but I have a friend!! yay! lol Well, I have been feeling a bit lonely lately and dying to talk to someone in the same position as me. I sort of feel like I don't fit in anywhere, i don't fit in with the users, and I don't fit in with "normal society" heh. And now the gear haze has gone I realise that a lot of my friendships are with people who i have nothing in common with except drugs... so anyway i went down to the local drug drop in centre last week, and got talking to a lovely girl with a little 'un the same age as mine. she's just come off the meth and is struggling a bit. we had a really long chat and i've seen her a few times since, and its been lovely talking to someone i can relate to. it's helped me get things in perspective a bit and stop feeling so damn sorry for myself! speaking of the drug drop in, i can't speak highly enough of the place. it's run by a charity, and offers all sorts from holistic therapies, counselling, needle exchange, day trips, special women's days, they even have an allotment. the staff there are so dedicated and understanding. i think there needs to be far more places like this, but unfortunately their funding is being repeatedly slashed. i think there needs to be a more holistic approach to treating drug addiction, not purely a medical approach. for example, my friend who has just come off methadone is struggling with depression and insomnia, and yet the DAT signed her off straight after detoxing her, because medically she was "drug free" and in their opinion no longer medically in need of assistance. but i think this is the bit where people are at their most vulnerable. it's hard adjusting to a life without drugs, you're basically building up your life again from scratch, your coping mechanisms, your social networks... the medical view of opiate withdrawal is that it's finished after 2-3 weeks max, but for most, the depression, complete exhaustion and sleepless nights go on for many many months, and it's what drives many back into using. this is where i think independent drug charities such as these come in, providing emotional and practical support. it's also nice that they are able to o [ ... ]
2 Comments
Hi Purplehearts It makes such a difference when you can meet up with someone in a similar situation as you doesn't it? None of my current friends have any idea I was ever on drugs so its all really secretive and there's times I just wish I could talk to someone who understands! So you are 32wks now? I'm 31wks and I'm huge, I look (and feel) fullterm already!lol I was tiny with my son but this time my tummy is massive! I'm Starting to feel uncomfortable. I've raised my dose to 45ml and might even go a bit higher. I'll give it a few more days and see how I feel. Is your dose holding you ok? How are you feeling (pregnancy wise?) If you ever want a chat, then message me anytime! Love Vicks x
nice post purpleherts. i so agree with you that care should be holistic, people take drugs because there is something missing / wrong in there lives and if that isn't looked at detoxing is not enough. as we are left with that big gaping hole that was being filled with substances. there is some really good work done in mental health that i think drug services should look at such as holistic care, the service user being the expert in their lives and recovery work where recovery means different things to different people and this is explored and taken into account . from my experience drug services are too focused on medication as being ' the cure' and it is not for everyone. keep posting and good luck with your impending birth.
Written by willowon February 25, 2009, 05:42:36 PM
Written by purplehearts on February 23, 2009, 07:57:18 PM
share
options
Well I thought I'd give this blogging business a try as I have a lot of stuff swimming around in my head at the moment. First off I am confused at the moment. I love my fella to bits, but well, I have things i have always wanted from my life and for my kids and I dont know if he will ever be able to deliver them. It seems to go in cycles for him, using gear, using crack and through it all there's the drinking which drives me INSANE. he is 42 years old and has hep c. how much more punishment can his body take? he's ill half the time - too weak to get out of bed, throwing up blood... he thinks the only one he's hurting is himself, but it's not, it's his family too. i have to be honest and face facts and the truth is if he carries on drinking he won't be around much longer. the thought of bring up two children on my own terrifies me. He's brilliant with the little 'un, spends hours playing with him, gets up with him in the nights. But in a lot of ways he is selfish. He spends all of our money and leaves us struggling constantly. He lies to get money out of me. He even steals my milk tokens and spends them on beer. It makes me feel like I'm being ripped the piss out of, and disrespected. And he's a different person when he's been drinking all day. he think he doesn't get drunk - and he doesn't in the traditional sense - he doesn't fall around and slur his words. but he's far more disrespectful, short tempered, he says and does things that are inappropriate around our little boy, he embarasses me in public. I was in a violent relationship for years, and that's why I struggle to be assertive in relationships - I associate standing up for myself with getting a slap, so for me it's easier to keep quiet and avoid confrontation. But I don't know how long I can carry on like this, getting more and more resentful and angry, it feels like one day I will snap. It sounds like a terrible thing to say but sometimes I wonder if we were better off when he was using the gear. my little boy is really keeping me going at the moment i dont know what i'd do without him. lately, it has hit just me how powerful a hold this addiction has on me. i'm doing well but it gets to me that it doesn't matter how long i stay clean, there will always be days that it's a real struggle not to use. and it also hits me just how reliant on the methadone i am. [ ... ]
2 Comments
Thanks Alli, I really appreciate your support. I think you are right, and deep down I do know what is best for me and my kids but making it happen may take some time. Leaving my violent previous relationship was more of a process than a single event. Anyway thanks again x
Written by purpleheartson February 25, 2009, 01:29:10 PM
Its nice to see that you've joined the bloggin crew purplehearts - and as you say, - it's good to have a bit of a moan. I think you are doin great coping with what you have to cope with - and there may come a day when you feel its better to try and cope on your own with your kids. I think we all know deep down what is best for us, - but it can be a bit of a struggle to try to make it happen, and too much of one for many, not that that is any fault of theirs. People shouldn't have to struggle the way they do, you shouldn't have to, you're fella shouldn't have too, I shouldn't have to. Giving each other a little bit of support like this, connecting with each other in this little way makes the struggle a wee bit easier. alli x
