Written by lynseyrachel on March 21, 2009, 01:32:00 PM
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hello everyone, well, its been well over a month since i came and posted my last article on here.....sorry for the delay, ive been trying to get my life....and my head, straight. I am now on a methadone script, which is helping me immensly......i still get the cravings, and am still using a TINSY WINSY little bit (i hear you all shaking your heads at me.......well, dont worry- nobody is shaking their head at me more than i am at myself!)......which seems to me, the hardest leap to make. Ive easily and qwikly tapered myself down from a £100 day habit to less than a bag a day then got my script.No probs. Now im using so very, very little, even with the help of a script, im finding the couple of £££'s worth im taking WAAAY more harder than the £100 a day habit, if you get me? Why?? I really dnt know.....i wish i did, cos then i cud address the problem and probably deal with it....but part of me thinks its a psychological thing, up in my head.....my 'comfort' zone. I guess old habits die hard too, .......esp after 10years heavy daily usage. I'm in the middle of enrolling on a college course, as i feel, like i said in my last blog, that if i am busy, i dont find myself thinking of the damn stuff. When im at home, alone....it's THEN that it eats away at me. But i never thought i cud come so far as what i have.....even tho im not totally there yet.......so i guess there is nothing stopping me making the last and final little(well, huge,to me, really, Lol!! ) jump into freedom of heroin. Its NOT always practical nor possible to get outta the hose when i get a craving.......what do you guys do to stop yourself from thinking and craving for it?? I guess my plight has been made all the harder by tackling two HUGE issues AT THE SAME TIME!!! i stopped all this £100 day crap when my fella of 16 years - and both my kids dad - walked out on us all suddenly and with no explanation, nearly 3 months ago. It has all been a bit (a LOT actually|!!) of an emotional rollercoaster for me, these past 3 months, and looking back, i really DONT know how the hell ive done it.....but i have......and im almost habit free!! I never, after 1 [ ... ]
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Damn, Lynseyr, You been through the mill, I Hope your OK, Just be strong for you and your kids, thats the main thing. Hopefully by now you will have adjusted to being on Methadone. Theres no good ending when heroin is concerned, it all ends terribly, but like people have said your doing well, (at the time of writing) Please keep strong, College is a top idea, I wasted my Degree because of heroin and cant afford to go back ATM, was looking at some summer school days at my uni, They're p [ ... ]
Hi LR - seems to me you are doing brilliantly - you should be really pleased with yourself and proud of yourself. A difficult enough thing to do - but doing it whilst being a single parent - heroic!, your kids will really thank you for it in the future. I would agree with what Jules has said - maybe go up a bit on your methadone to get rid of the last of the cravings, - they will go eventually, once you are stable for a while. Having people to talk to is really helpful too, - getting some sup [ ... ]
Glad to hear you're doing so well LR. I believe it's quite common for people to continue using when they first go on methadone. However, it's important to make sure you're on a high enough dose which can help a little with those cravings and get you over that last hurdle. You've made a huge leap and should be very proud of yourself. Keep it up and keep us posted. Best wishes. Jules x
Written by lynseyrachel on February 12, 2009, 05:07:27 PM
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hello all..... sorry for the delay in the blogging sector, lol.....ive just lved thru the worst 3 weeks of my life.......my partner of 16.5 years has walked out on me and the kids...this time for good ( 3 weeks ago now)......he left us wiv nothing......even tho he has plenty money. nothing for me or his 2 kiddies. No gas, no lecky, no cigs, no shopping......and no 'you know what'. desperate times led to desperate meausures. a local man who sells in my area, whom i dont know, but he knows my fella helped me out.....great stuff......but within a week of doing this, he was pulled over by the cops and they found a BIG stash on him. well the silly bastard only told the cops that he was my boyfriend and that he lived wiv me!!!!!!!! NOT AT ALL!!!!!! he claimed he didnt say this, and just said to the cops 'im going to a friends house and gave my name and street...'.......and that they mustve looked me up on the electoral role. bullshit me thinks. how DARE he??? as a result my house was raided by the police......uniformed and plain-clothed. my house was turned upside down......luckily my 2 precious, lovely, my oh so everything to me, children were at skool. i feel a fool and embarrassed for getting involved wiv him....but all he was doing was coming to the door, doing the 'deal' and going. i cant understand why he targeted my like this, at my lowest ever ebb, I have never been in trouble with the police in my 31 years of life. Now this. Anyway, all tey got was used foil and un-named methadone......and a bit of weed. i just got cautioned for the weed, as the rest, the man took the blame for....and rightly so. A grass...thats what they call ppl like that, round here. Only after keeping me from 2pm til 5am in the cells n in custody.it was horrible.....luckily id taken a few valium before they took me in, so i managed to sleep a bit in the cells, to pass the time as many of u may know, i am a secet addict,with nly about 2/3 ppl knowing i take it........now my poor mum has had to find out......i had to get the police to fone her, as she was picking the kids up from skool and wudve returned to a empty house, then started to worry. it was on a friday, and all my kids had wer the clothes they were stood up in...their uniforms. my mum took them [ ... ]
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Hi lynseyrachel, sorry to hear that things have been rough but as you know through reading about my troubles good can follow bad if you are patient!! My daughter said it was awful when we found out about her, felt so ashamed but is glad now that it is out in the open. Three years down the line she is a different girl, 3 stone heavier(she hates it but i think she looks great), has her periods back(again she hates it), off the gear and now waiting for alcohol detox so she can go into hep c [ ... ]
Written by maggiemon February 25, 2009, 07:03:03 PM
i'm sorry to hear about the troubles youre going through hun. i really hope that this is a turning point for you and that you can turn it around into something positive. i'm sure there are better times ahead for you xx
Written by purpleheartson February 25, 2009, 01:50:44 PM
Hopefully one day in the not too distant future you will be able to look back on this time and think of it as the turning point in your life which led to a stronger more confident and happier you - it is forcing you to take stock and get some help and support - which I think after what has happened recently is what you really need at the moment LR, - As you will have seen from the various posts, many people have been in your position so can prob. give you some good advice. Good luck LR - all [ ... ]
I hope everything works out for you.....keep looking forward x
Written by afcjimwombleon February 13, 2009, 08:30:17 PM
sorry to hear of your troubles mate but like everyone says turn it round and make something good out of it. keep smiling even though it is hard and take care of yourself. thinking of you mate. X
Written by willowon February 13, 2009, 06:31:39 PM
hi jules.....thanx for the link, hun, i will go there now and ava good look.....THANX!! I just need to stay focused on the 'task' ahead now, and get my head around all thats happened .......i know i will come out the other side!! please..(sorry to be a pain in the arse, lol ) but pllease all keep writing and advising if you can find the time, everyone - i need all the encouragement and help i can get rite now, and up til now.....this has been invaluable. i dont think a lot of ppl re [ ... ]
Written by lynseyrachelon February 13, 2009, 12:29:04 PM
Hi LR www.do-it.org.uk is a great website for voluntary work Best wishes Jules
Hi Lynsey, I have had my own three weeks of stress, which fortunately I have been through on numerous occassions, hazourds of working in charities. They say a crisis produces danger and opportunity. I hope this situation takes you through to a more positive lifestyle for you and your two children. w
Written by will-con February 13, 2009, 10:05:05 AM
hi jules and workingman......THANX 4 YR SUPPORT!!! u really dont know how much it really means......and just to know there is someone out there listening to my problems!! Jules.....its so strange what you said....as ive said the same to my mum....that i need a little job - even if its unpaid, just to get me outta the house during school hours. I am still reeling from the shock of all this......not just the house-bust, but the breakdown of my 16yr relationship. I just hope im not taking too much [ ... ]
Written by lynseyrachelon February 12, 2009, 10:15:09 PM
Hya lynseyrachel,im sorry to hear your having such problems,but like you say maybe a blessing in disguise.Get yourself into treatment!I dont know bout your area but round here (midlands) most of the gear is so shit it aint worth doin and that applies to the crack too.no better time to knock it on the head.Anyway good look and keep blogging.
Hi Linsey Rachel I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through but sometimes, as you say, rough times can be a blessing in disguise and a definite wake-up call. I was forced into admitting my alcohol problem the first time 9 years ago and spent the day before my detox kicking bottles round the kitchen and screaming with self-pity. I ended up becoming a volunteer at an animal rescue home for that first year and I'm sure it saved my life...and my sanity. I've relapsed several times and last [ ... ]
Written by lynseyrachel on January 14, 2009, 04:53:30 PM
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hi all!!!!, today has been a good day......gosh, - not been having many of them recently, Lol!! My sore throat is a lot less sore today, so im VERY glad about that.......Im tekkin everyones advice and staying in, away from the icy winds and bitter-cold......but not eating very much, which dosnt help, i kow. I cant afford not to eat, aswell, as i lost over a stone in a week, with my stoopid blimmin pnumonia......not much appetite......but i AM gonna try to put more effort in to eat.......appetite seems to gon outta the window......its funny (well, strange, shud i say!) cos only last nite my mum sed to me, 'wheres yr chocolate appetite gone' cos she knows i love a bar of choccy....and im even off that!!! WILLOW.......hunny.....how GREAT to hear from you, i love talking to you, and am glad yr reading my blogs, lol!! I really HAVE missed talking to ya........PM me, and we can discuss things further, about...well, you know me and whats been going on.........we can have a good chat. I miss you...........hows yr little (well, NOT so little, anymore, eh?!!) lad doin??? hope all is well with you and family life.........like i sed.message me sweety Anyways, gotta go and cook tea for my two munchkins.........aww, i luvem to BITS..........what the heck wud i do without 'em, eh, guys? THANX4READING EVERYONE,,,,,,,,,,,,,LOVE FROM LR xxxxxxxxxxx
Oh I nearly missed this, Ive got to go now, all is clear, The people I was avoiding have left, You'll know if you read my other posts today. Did you receive my Reply to your Messages? Emails..
I've got to go, shopping with my mother at least I got my Valium script today, so I'll be eating them now. My Methadone has gone up 10mils to 120.
Anyway nicety see your own blog, I promise to read it tomorrow, only just noticed, Ive got to get ready sharp.
Written by lynseyrachel on January 12, 2009, 02:54:22 PM
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Hi everyone....and the wonderful alli........thanx for being sooo caring......yr niceness touched me, xx. Well, im kinda of livin in limbo-land, with being ill......not getting any better, but(i hope)not getting any worse.....i HATE sore throats.....and they scare me...thats how i got meningitis, last yr....not 'the bad one' where u lik for blue bruise like lumps....but viral meningitis.........still putme in hospital for 8 days, tho........think i mite get a slleping-bag nxt tym i go the sales, and go and camp out there, lol!! Well, pretty much un-eventful today.......taking yr advice alli, and stayin in and tekkin it easy, lol!! is that poss wwith a 14&10 yr old?? well, i will soon see!!! catchya laters, guys!! thanx for readin........alli.....i think yr the only one who reads my blogs, hun..lol (((hugz))) LOVE LR XXXXXXXXXXXX
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i read your blogs lr s that makes two- me and ali lol! no seriously sorry to hear you have been/ are ill. stress does not help and you have had a pretty hard time recently. try to stay well and warm and eat lots of good healthy food which i know is hard when you feel shit but it really does help you get better. keep posting as i like to read your stuff. take care x
Written by lynseyrachel on January 11, 2009, 03:07:10 AM
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hi eveyone, how the devil r u all doin..great i hope!! thanx to the replies from the lovely Debs and Will........and Alli, from my previous one!! I sure DID enjoy my hot-choc and ales shopping.......LOTSA good bargains.........and mor even stilll waitin for, me, lol!! Just to update, my fella HAS 'shown his face' since te walkin-out incidednet, but things are FAR from perfecr.Far from it.....lots more to come on tha subjct, in the very near future, i feel, lol!! Yes, i sure agree, that kids are tuff little cookies(goodness me, they have to be in my circumstances).......but i dont want em to HAVE to be tuff little cookies....i want eerything perfect, and i cant seem to get it that way...no matter how hard i try, nor how 'good' i try to be. It hurts.....A LOT But, yes, they WILL survive this...we ALL will......but we shudnt be 'just survivnig'...we shud be living life to the max......living every day like its our last. I dont feel well agen......not been quite rite since comin outta hospital..........shudve stayed longer, like they wanted me to (the doctors). Ive hada a soe throat and felt ever so crappy for 2 days now...goin to the sales...well, really, in all honesty, i shudnt be goin-out yet, as im not fully recoverd from my pnumonia. i feel lke i cant fight ANOTHER illness....not in my head...i mean body-wise. I just dont feel strog enuf. I fear i might get really ill agen, and die......gosh, sorry to be morbid.....its just that i nearly DID die, just before xmas, and, well........it scared me. i thort my time was up.....but here i still am...and ok.my personal life ( except for my 2 WONDERFUL munchkins, lol ) mite be crap......but im soooo glad to be alive...and here i am feeling ever so ill agen..........please guys.........keep yr fingers crossed for me, its just summat mior, and not develop into a full blown infection agen,,,,,dont think i cud fite....or survive it...im so weak.so please wish me well...i never sk that. im scared.thats why aint in bed now...........scares of gooin to sleep and avin a fit and dying........oh shut up lynsey, lol lets move on, eh?[ ... ]
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Hi LR - sorry to hear that you are not feeling good again. It was really really cold last week - being out in that prob. didn't help. You've got to look after yourself girl! Stay indoors, keep resting, - get yourself as much support as poss. Your girl is a teenager isn't she? - I'm sure she will be happy to help you as soon as she gets home from school, you just stay resting, watch a bit of telly or read some books and drink plenty of hot drinks. Eat plenty of fresh fruit and salad stuff - [ ... ]
Written by lynseyrachel on January 09, 2009, 12:08:28 PM
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hey everyone, esp Alii.........thanx for yr wonderful support and responses x Well, today, i am going sales shopping with my newly found long-lost-best-friend. am meeting her at one....so this is just a qwik one. will 'call in' laters, and update!!!!!!!!!!! well........gotta go.......lots of sales stuff waitin just be bought by me, lol LOVE LR X
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Just posting to say hello. Bloody hell that was a bit of a shock your fella walking out wasn't it? I know you've been rowing recently but i'm sorry that this has happened. I'm glad you've hooked up with an old friend. Just to say i shall be thinking about you. Regarding the children. like someone else said , they are tough little cookies. I await the next installment........ Love deb x
Its great to hear your having fun and getting out and about. Meeting old friends can be kind of marmite in that you either love it or hate it because people can change for the worse or better or remember all the wrong things about you. I just splurged out on three charity shop books, thats my spending spree for the week....
Written by lynseyrachel on January 08, 2009, 11:11:50 AM
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Morning peeps, lol , Didnt write anything on my blog yesterday, so i'll just give ya all a qwik update......i'm meeting my friend.....my long lost friend agen tomorra, in town.,.....we are goin for a hot choc and sale/bargain hunting!! we had a great laff, the other day. I cant remember the last time i had so much fun!! Now, ok.....i know its only town.....nothing, like TOO exciting, you may all be thinking, but, man, it was great.....also great company. I think it was what i needed, for sure. Shudnt really be goin out in this terrible freezin weather.....still recoverin from my pnumonia, as you all know.....but a little retail therapy never did no1 any harm, lol On a sadder note, my 14 year old daughter is being bullied at skool.....over her acne.She dosnt deserve it, i know im her mum, and bound to say this......but she really IS SUCH a sweet gir l(of course, she has her moments, like allteenagers!! ) and the skool is bloody hopeless. She had been bullied, and nothing was done bout it...so the next day, wen she went to skool, she left, and went across the road and sat in a freezing cold train station for 4 hours, too terrified to go bac into skool. The poor girl mustve planned it.....cos that day, my moby fone went missin......she had tuk it and turned it off, cos she knew the skool wud ring i knew i wud worry........it was dun outta sheer desperation, not deception. And.....sorry to rant on......but, when she finallly pluckedup the courage to go back in, blue from the cold.....she got bollocked by the teacher, for 'waggin-it' (truanting, lol).......even tho the teachers were aware of the bullying incident. They also told her that theyd rang home, and that i was worried sick and VERY angry....just what she needed to hear, feeling like she did - NOT. Anyways......luckily, she knew better cos she knew they hadnt contacted me cos she had tuk my fone. The boy who had bullied her, also threatened to kill her.......i mean, he wudnt, but wat a horrid thing to say. I just wanna mek it all better for her, and i cant. As a mother, [ ... ]
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My boy is 13 LR and my girl 22 now. Children's rights and issues are a bit of a hobby horse for me so anything around kids and the bullying of them gets me going! Glad to be of support, alli x
thankyou alli, yr support means ALOT to me an awful,lot.........i hope to speak more with you and become good friends..........you sound like a WONDERFUL mum yourself, and yr totally rite in what you are saying. thankyou sweetie. we sound like we have alot in common....my other child is a boy who is 10..........you have a 15 yr old, u sed........how old is yr other child?? take care alli.........thanks agen for yr support. Yr lovely xxxxx [ ... ]
Written by lynseyrachelon January 08, 2009, 11:54:36 AM
I'm glad you went to the school and talked to them about it - I think parent always always should. We should never ever let stuff happen to our kids when they are in other adults care and not do anything about it - over the years I've always been on the phone - up at the school, onto the police even, anytime anything happened to any of my 2 kids - the teachers were fed up with me - (it was usually them that were the ones I was complaining about though! - some fucking crazy teachers out there w [ ... ]
Written by lynseyrachel on January 07, 2009, 12:18:02 AM
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quiet day in today....well, it counts as yesterday now, really, cos we are just past mid-night.(i will just say 'today', tho!) It's felt very quiet n stange today, cos my little boy went back to skool.....my daughter started back the day before (Monday).the peace n quiet HAS been nice, dont get me wrong, it just all seems TOO quiet, Lol Y'see, also, my little boy was very ill before Xmas, and was off for nearly 2 full weeks......even missed his skool-Xmas-party. He was very upset about it, poor thing. so, ive not had any 'me' time for near-on 4 weeks now!! Gettin in bed now, so its over n out.........night-night to anyone who is readin this...and thanx if you are!!
Written by lynseyrachel on January 05, 2009, 11:14:00 PM
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hello, firstly, thankyou to anyone reading and following my daily blogs!! Today ha been a strange day....but in a nice kinda strange way. What a difference a day can make....maybe not in the things you'd nesascarily wish for, but in other, un-expected ways!! About 5 years ago, my best friend......and i mean BEST friend, stopped talking to me and cut-off all contact, very suddenly and for no apparent reason. I wrote her many letters, went to her house, went to her relatives.......tried all kind of ways to try and get in touch with her, but there was just no way of getting to her to even speak to her and discuss anything. I was gutted, to say the very least...and im not ashamed to say, cried many a tear, many a time. We had gew-up together....been toghether thru thick and thin THEN............yesterday i went on myspace, and there she was........she must have seen me on there, and requested to add me as a friend.........i almost danced round the bedroom in joy!! (well, i did, a little bit.....but dont tell her that, lol!! hehe!!) she was online too, and we spoke almst immediatly, after exchanging fone numbas. within an hour, i found myself in a taxi, with my little boy (he only goes bac to skool 2morra...my daughter started back today!) going to town to see her!! OK,ok....maybe not the BEST thing to do, when recovering from pnumonia, and only just over a week or so outta hospital...but, oh........i just cudnt help myself!! we both had a fab time, goin for hot chocolate with cream on the top, with a flake and chocolate shavings (yum!!), then lots of clothes and shoe shpping....we shopped....(and chatted).........til we dropped!! my little lad wernt too impressed bout all the ladies clothes shops, tho, i can tell ya.!!! So, my friends......just to say......even thru my waves of sadness and confusion...........a good thing.........NO, a FABULOUS thing still happened to me, like, sooooo outta the blue!!! Going out did me good, even tho i feel too down to go out.....so im glad i did!! Right-e-o.....thats it for today...........will 'clock-in ' [ ... ]
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Hi LR - been reading your stuff in your blog - glad you too have decided to do one. Sorry to hear about yer fella walkin out - I know how that can feel, but so glad to hear that things improved with yer old friend gettin back in contact - now you've got some support! There is nothing like having good friends around when things are going a bit pear-shaped in life. My son has just gone back to school today - and I miss him but I am glad of the space to be getting on with things that I need to d [ ... ]
Written by lynseyrachel on January 05, 2009, 10:25:14 AM
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well, itsmorning and ive made it thru the night........that was a long one..........the daylightcomin thru the window felt like such a blessing, lol. i cant beleive i have 2 replies ALREADY.....thanx for caring for me so much, you guys. that means so very much................well, lets see what today brings................a bit like a soap opera, my life is,,,,,,except you cudnt make it up, lol .................will call in withu all later and let you all know whats happenin. thanx for being here for me, everyone. thanx so much xxxxxxxxxxx thanx luv lynz xxxxxxx
Written by lynseyrachel on January 04, 2009, 11:50:13 PM
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hi my dear friends, please go softly with me, as this is my first ever attempt at a 'blog'!! im presuming a blog is just where one talks about their day, and whats goin on in their life, etc??? yes??? I hope so, cos here goes, guys!!
Well, quite frankly, today has been a bit crappy ........like most days. I am tryin so hard not to let it get me down tho, cos after my stint in hospital with pnumonia, I am simply glad to be, well, ALIVE!! I'm glad the festive period is over, to be honest, cos, this year, what with being ill, has been very much like hard, hard work. I wonder what 2009 is gonna bring to me........and the rest of us guys here on the forum?!! My new years resolution, is simply NOT to make a resolution....except to try and live every day like it is my last i will be glad to feel that things are 'back to normal'..........i call the festive period 'Limbo-Land', cos every day merges into either feeling like a Saturday or a Sunday.........dontcha think??!! Well, the children all go back to schools this week....mine start back tomorrow( Monday) and the day after that ( Tuesday) so i guess a sense of 'normality' will come......although, i will miss them like crazy. Lonliness is a nasty thing......in fact, is there any feeling that is worse than lonliness?? I can't think of one.....can you??? Oh, i'm sorry to be so morbid guys........my fella of 15yrs has walked out onme tonight, with no explanation, except ' that he's had enuf'.........and left me and 2 children feeling very lost and vunerable. The kids will be ok....they got me, and i'd NEVER dessert the...but,man, what a thing for them to go thru. I wish i cud take the pain for them........if it were possible to feel any more pain than what im feelin right now Sorry to go on. Had to get it out.......gotta talk it thru, and get my feelings out, i guess......not that i feel any better for it, lol!! Do you know what i like about all you people here, at the alliance?? no?? well, i will tell you. [ ... ]
Firstly well done on starting a blog, I hope this space offers you a safe place to taklk about anything yuou want to get off your chest or glory in your achievements. I have found it really useful when I got things to say but dont want to be part of a thread or debate.
I am sorry to hear things have broken down with your long term partner and that you have been left holding the children without explanations. I hope you find the answers your looking for and settle down quickly. [ ... ]
stay strong mate, sometimes what hurts can be for the best, what i mean is that its probaly better that you go through a little bit of loneliness than go through what you went through with him before christmas. kids are very resillient anyhow and they will bounce back. its important that you look after yourself now you need to eat and sleep properly and keep in touch with people even if it is with us on here - dont disapear into yourself! new year new life!
) jump into freedom of heroin. Its NOT always practical nor possible to get outta the hose when i get a craving.......what do you guys do to stop yourself from thinking and craving for it??
But, yes, they WILL survive this...we ALL will......but we shudnt be 'just survivnig'...we shud be living life to the max......living every day like its our last.
) mite be crap......but im soooo glad to be alive...and here i am feeling ever so ill agen..........please guys.........keep yr fingers crossed for me, its just summat mior, and not develop into a full blown infection agen,,,,,dont think i cud fite....or survive it...im so weak.so please wish me well...i never sk that. im scared.thats why aint in bed now...........scares of gooin to sleep and avin a fit and dying........oh shut up lynsey, lol
Love from Lynsey Rachel xxxxxxxx 
