Written by timtrash on August 11, 2011, 02:01:29 PM
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bloody veins! (no, that wasn't a "joke," lol.) i've not that long arrived into town to score (my "care-plan" obviously isn't working today.) i was gonna try to resist the urge today but that obviously failed. the whole process i've just been through has just had me thinking a bit about how society, or some of it, views drug addicts and just how wrong they get it! i feel there is definately an eliment, fairly large at that, that just sees addicts as folks sticking two fingers up at the world and deciding to just run, play and have "fun." that they just wanna buzz and bunk off from "real life." now i'm not saying there isn't some truth in this. i think most stereotypes are based in a sort of truth and i myself would say there have been times when this has definately been true of me but i just don't see it like that anymore. as i say, i came into town to pick up some gear which i did. i popped into the local chemist that does an exchange then wandered along to a particular public loo which i find most convenient (no punn intended, lol.) it's actually a disabled toilet at the end of a row of bogs and it's got more room inside, hence the convenience. i went in and cooked everything up and then, well, what a polava! stab, jab, in, out, pull, push, here, no here, maybe there.... my poor old vascular system, it really didn't want to "play" today. that's how things have been a bit of late. either i get it first time, just like that, no problems at all. or it's a nightmare, panic sets in where i think i'm not going to get it and the experience is stressful to say the least. this is what i mean where i say it's not all fun and games. sometimes i stop and think about what i put myself through and it does feel like madness. by the time i was done in this loo it looked the the texas chainsaw massacre had happened in there and i'd been invloved in it, blood dripping everywhere. it doesn't feel like it's about fun these days and hasn't for a long time. yes i seek those highs (that i never get, or very rarely) but my active addiction feels to be a long long way away from having a good time. i suppose, that said, one would think that this might be some help in encouraging me to stop but that doesn't seem to be the case either. i'm not suggesting i want sympathy from people, not at all (plus i'm sure it's the same for other addicts out there) but i do wish folks would think twice a bit more and see how all this stuff can be a horrible, painful, struggle of a life. i guess unless people have really been there then they're just never gonna understand. when i talk with my KW as nice as she is and she really is, it's apparent very quickly in conversation that she really has absolutely no idea what it's like to be addicted to heroin. the compulsion, desire, mental struggles. she means well, i have no doubt, but she really doesn't get it. it can be a horrible place to be in, all this hassle and i suppose physical damage just to feel like a human being. it's not that i'm rattling, my maintenance keeps me well but there is just something lacking there and that thing that is not filled by it, is when i use. hence, this battle goes on in my head. i can't imagine many people wanting all this shit in their lives, even if they did fancy a bit of a kick. it all becomes very normal when you're doing it but if you step outside yourself and look at what you're doing it can be pretty nasty.... oh well, at the end of the day, it's just another "day in the life." there have been plenty like it before and there undoubtedly will be again. i just felt like getting some of this stuff in my head down as it were. what a life eh? what a life....
3 Comments
TimTrash, The first hit of the day i used to stick in my ass,and then your not fuckin about with your veins first thing in the morning an then i used to have a hit straight after.Its a nightmare trying to get it in ,I know what you mean ,remember it well either I would get it in first time or i would be their like a pin cushion with blood coming outof every hole i had put in myself,in the end i was going in my neck or the big vein in your head,just go slow 10mil at a time till you got the pin right down,know how you feel when your veins are in an uncoperative mood.Cheers Froude
i think i've been just about everywhere matey, everywhere but ny groin that is. somehow, even after 20 years i've managed to acoid that. i dunno if i'll be able to hold it off though. it really is a nightmare. from my feet to my neck they've all been jabbed at. bugger it, i don't even wanna think about it rgiht now, lol. cheers for the comment though, ihope things with you are good.
Written by timtrashon August 13, 2011, 09:50:11 AM
Just an observation but I think the reason addicts want to "run and play and bunk off of life" I should imagine that for the majority there has been some form of trauma weather its recalled or not, could have been in infancy or early childhood, mine didnt happen till early teens and it was all down hill from there
