Written by jake3510 on January 13, 2011, 05:00:25 PM
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I don’t know how many of you are in the same trap as I am; probably most of you.
I have been suffering from depression for the last thirty years. I used to live in France when I had my first breakdown and I have tried all sorts of medications; all of them have side effects and none of them really work but I managed to soldier on and keep a job until ten years ago. At one stage I was on six different medications which included Amitriptyline and Xanax until 1986 when Prozac became available in France.
I think I was one of the first ones to try it. Although not perfect by any means, at first it appeared to be a miracle compared to the rest. I managed to come off the rest gradually but after three years I developed headaches and in France 60mg Dihydrocodeine is available over the counter and compared to Prozac, DF was far more of an antidepressant than Prozac or anything else I had come across until then.
Anyway I finally lost my job and moved back to UK where I swapped Prozac for Effexor and Dihydrocodeine for Tramadol but managed to work for another ten years until I went bankrupt, my wife took my daughter and moved to South Africa and I had another break down.
I had lost my private medical insurance but I still had a few quid. Therefore I went to Priory where they recommended ECT but I couldn’t afford it privately when my psychiatrist did me a “favour” and recommended me for ECT through NHS and told me that since he had recommended it they would have to act on his recommendation.
As expected ECT in NHS is miserable affair. I think an abattoir must have been the inspiration behind the design of the system because “patients” are herded into a room. Then one by one are led into the “treatment” room where you are given the anaesthetic, zapped and then thrown into a chair back in the waiting room. When you come around there is tea lady who pours you a cup of tea and biscuit and then you are expected to finish your tea and make your own way back; in my case to the ward on the other side of the hospital; quite a walk which you could cut short if you chose to walk across the car park.
I was supposed to have six “treatments” but after the third one I came around with this horrible palpitation. I was told that since they couldn’t induce convulsion in me, they injected me with caffeine. I kept complaining about the palpitation and the nurse who instead gave me 300mg of Venelafaxine and told me to go to my room and wait for the doctor. After about forty minutes of absolute agony I crawled out of the room but I saw that they ward’s lights were switched off and there was no one there. The other patients were in the TV room but no one else was there. I returned to my room and put up with the excruciating pain for a few more hours until it subsided and I managed to leave the hospital and go home.
The next day I recounted the story to the nurse who carried out an ECG on me and told me that my “my heart rhythm had changed” and they subsequently terminated the ECT treatment and discharged me from the hospital in hurry. Later on I found out that my heart had been permanently damaged and I had developed a heart murmur which has now led to requiring to the replacement of my Aortic Valve for which I am currently in a waiting list.
After that I found it very difficult to get treatment from the NHS and went back to France where I was seen by an American psychiatrist through the American Hospital in Paris. He prescribed Buprenorphine which worked like a dream and my anhedonia got a lot better. When I returned to UK I realised that no one was prepared to prescribe the medication for depression. Therefore I joined to Substance Abuse Service in order to obtain the medication.
At a later stage because of the insistence of my family I went to see a psychiatrist in Harley Street who prescribed Olanzapine which worked well initially but then my anhedonia was returned with a vengeance until again under pressure from my family I was sent to Priory where they I was forced to come off 16mg of Buprenorphine in four days!!!! Madness and I had to pay £16000.00 which I didn’t have for their stupidity. I was promised the repayment of the money by my family but it was never repaid because I had failed to remain for another three torturous weeks.
I came out feeling suicidal, things got so bad that once social services found me starving in my place in a semi coma state. They brought me meals from the hospitals for a while and halved my Olanzapine dose and then got bored and left.
I felt frozen inside, I couldn’t do much and I certainly couldn’t work. I knew this girl whom I called to come and get me food and clean the place from time to time. She had psychological problems as well and she was an addict. In then end she offered me some H and in desperation I took it. The effects were magical; within a few I came to life and I remember I washed up and for the first time in over a year I went out for a walk, just a normal walk on the beach.
So initially I started using H just for when I needed to leave the house like attending a doctor’s appointment but the problem was that when I went to see the doctor, I felt so good that he said that I didn’t suffer from depression and I was addicted. It angers me when they make judgements like that.
Anyway in the end I went on methadone which is far from ideal but what other choice do I have? I have had seven years of therapy, TCM, CBT, diet, blah, blah, blah, blah…. None of them made an iota of difference. I was on Venelafaxine for a long, long time. In the end it damaged my liver and because of my heart condition I can’t take it anymore anyway.
I know opiates are no solution but they are no worse than SSRIs or SNRIs which are addictive themselves anyway as well as being harmful to your liver. I think this whole SSRI is a dream racket for pharmaceutical industry who every couple of years or so come up with a “new” model just slightly different to the last one like Gillette shaving blades. They have them all lined up to roll out as per schedule to maximise profit.
I the last thirty years I must have heard all sorts of crap from people who have no idea what depression is and yet they allow themselves to make the most outrageous judgements totally irreverent of the pain they inflict by voicing their stupidity.
I have lost everything no; career, family, friends and all because people are not prepared to accept depression as illness like MS or Cancer where prescription of “pain” killers are acceptable with no taboo attached to it. I have friend who suffers from MS and he takes 20-25 50mg Pethedine a day and his physician has offered to prescribe him heroin.
I feel terrible for him and I am sure MS pain is something that I am glad that I don’t have but why isn’t depression yet recognised for the disabling disease that MS is. I am sure the rate of suicide amongst depressives is a lot higher than those with MS.
Anyway I am supposed to cut down on my methadone prior to my heart operation because apparently afterwards I am going to need a lot of pain killers which in my case might prove too much.
3 Comments
Hi Jake Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting your blog. You've really been through it and I personally know how debilitating depression can be. I'm sure you'll find many people here will identify with some of the problems you've got and hopefully you can draw on others' experiences. Keep us updated and I really hope all goes well with your forthcoming operation. My very best wishes Jules
Hi jake, that was a tough read. I've suffered from chronic depression ever since childhood, have lost count off the number of Psychiatrists I have seen. Each with their own ideas on treatment, diagnosis. From uni-polar to bi-polar even to pull your socks up depression. Because of a sleep disorder that took 30 years to diagnose I cannot take tricyclics as they have a paradoxical effect on me, making me really restless & causing seizures while I sleep, SSRi's didn't help with my sleep either plus had added side effects of anxiety, tremors, severe headaches etc. I gave up taking those years ago when I started using DHC 120mgs daily, they worked perfectly for me, keeping me on an even keel & stopping my anxiety levels from going through the roof. Then I would only use heroin if I couldn't get any DHC, or later down the line I started using heroin when I was going through a particularily bad time in my life. I've tried explaining to one of the many Psychs that I have seen that DHC alone was enough to keep my depression away, one agreed with me that it would but said that he couldn't prescribe it for me because it wasn't for analgesic pain. These people don't seem to recognise that the pain my depression causes does actually feel like physical pain ( sometimes ). For a while my GP prescribed me opiates DHC & then smaller amounts of oxycodone until he was pulled up by the practice manager & I was packed off to the local CDT. To cut a long story short I am now on a reasonably high dose of meth which does help but not as efficiently as the DF's, I also am prescribed Mirtazapine which helps a bit as well though I didn't need to use any anti-depressants when I was taking my daily dose of DHC. I still go through periods of depression but when I mention this to my prescribing GP he is at a loss as what to do...apart from suggesting ECT. Something which I choose to take a wide berth on though I have considered it when times have been really bad & my mood rock bottom, at those times you consider everything & anything just to stop the pain ( I think you know what I mean ). At the moment my key-worker is putting a bit of pressure on me to reduce my meth script, which I would in a flash if they would prescribe me my original script of DHC again, he says there is no chance of that ever happening so at the moment I am digging my heels in, being a bit of an awkward sod & am going to talk to my GP at the end of the month again to see if he would prescribe me DF's again, if he did then I would come off the methadone completely & the Mirtazapine. It makes perfect sense to me, luckily I have a good relationship with my GP & he knows that anything prescibed to me would be taken by me & me alone, there isn't a hope in hell that I would part with any of them & divert my meds onto the black market, simply because I need them myself. I don't think I have ever been as settled & my depression so managable as when I was taking DHC. Send me a PM anytime you want mate, I can completely empathise with your situation. It seems obvious to me that a plant that can provide relief from pain can also provide relief from mental pain also, I don't understand why trained proffessionals can't see this for themselves.
Hi Jake, yep, - the health service does not have a clue about depression and how it affects people differently. And why they cannot prescribe it for depression amazes me, - it is why people take it in the first place, - they would not take it if they were not bloody depressed. I have always hated the thought of taking anti-depressants as none of them have ever worked for me and just made me feel numb, but I have recently started taking mirtazapine as I have read on this forum by a number of people on this site that it has been the only one that has worked for them with the methadone, -may as well give it a try. So I am a bit surprised to hear that OP8S says that he still goes through periods of depression. Hope things get better for you both, Alli x
