Written by purplehearts on April 30, 2009, 09:15:48 AM
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well I was up all night again, my valium script has run out and I couldn't sleep with all the shit going through my head. I'm still so young but I feel about 80 with the things I've seen and experienced - rape, domestic violence, street homelessness, eating disorders, miscarriage, heroin addiction....But nothing even comes close to the pain of losing my beautiful 5 week old son. I would go through it all again to bring him back. How can it be right that I am burying my child? I'm still in something of a daze, and the realisation of what I've lost is coming in waves. Each one feels like being stabbed in the heart. I look at my other beautiful boy and even though I am so grateful to have him, it makes me painfully aware that my family has been torn apart. There should be four of us, not three; I should be a mother of two, not one. My boy is not supposed to be an only child. He had learnt how to say the baby (Jay)'s name, and when we came home from hospital without him it hurt so much hearing him say it over and over. But what hurts more is that he's stopped saying it now. He's already forgotten he ever had a brother. AS I said, I'm still for the most part feeling numb, and I'm torn between feeling guilty for not feeling more, and wanting to stay numb for as long as possible because when the hurt properly hits me, I just don't know how I will cope with it. My blessings right now are my partner, my little boy and my parents. I am scared of losing my partner too, to drink, drugs or jail. I am scared that the grief and hurt and anger will take over him, and I'll have to bury my son and his father in the same year. The only way I can see is getting through this is by sticking togethr. We are the only ones who can truly understand how it feels to lose Jay; and I feel that we need each other. I am physically exhausted, but scared of going to bed. The memory of finding my little one, grey, floppy and lifless in that room is replaying again and again in my head. And even though there are three of us sleeping in one bedroom, it still feels empty. I would give anything to have him back. I miss him so much my arms are phsyically aching with the longing to hold him close to me. The valium were really helping me. They were the only thing that was enabling me to get some sleep and refresh myself, and calm my neves about sleeping in that awful room, but my doctor would only give me a 7 day script due to my 'history'. I find that fustrating, because when I had the valium, I could get by without gear. But now I can't get anymore (they're like gold dust round here) I'm taking anything I can just to knock me out; drink, gear; weed; antihistimines even. I wasn't abusing the valium, I was just taking one a night to help me sleep, and to help me get through these first few awful weeks. And they have been made doubly heard because the coroner is involved as it is a cot death. Which means we've had the police round constantly, photographing the 'scene', seizing his moses basket, bedding and changing mat, asking intrusive and perseonal queestions to everyone who knows us; and worst of all asking me to go over and over Jay's final moments. And the police are treating us like 'methadone scum'. As though it was somehow our fault; as though we were negligent in some way. Despite everyone else who knows us, health visitors, midwifes, keyworkers, hospital consultants telling them that we were doing a fantastic job with our children, and they were both bright alert healthy and happy. But why does everything have to come down to the fact that we're on methadone? why can't they just treat us like any other grieving family.
Well I want to thank you all for your concern, and for your kind comforting words which have made me feel a lot better; in fact I have read your messages over and over again. Thanks again.
1 Comment
Hi purplehearts - the stuff you have written is very moving. This feels a very frustrating and inadequate way of making contact with you at such a harrowing, painful time but I am very glad that you get some comfort from the comments.
It is awful that you have been treated so badly by the police at such a time - well at any time you shouldn't be, - but particularly when you are in such pain. I am also sorry to hear that your doctor will not continue with the valium and because of this you feel you have to take other stuff to get some sleep. You could phone this site and ask for some advocacy - they may be able to approach your doctor on your behalf, and maybe even speak to the police about their attitude and behaviour.
I wish I could say and do more purplehearts, you are in my thoughts, alli x
