carers helping carers

[February]

 Hi maggie... you didn't reply so I hope I didn't cause ofence in any way?

My house  has one room which is me I colour it red for love, adventure , memouries. There are portholes in my room through which i fly and escape........to exotic places .....other times......it's where I write in my head all my ideas . In one corner is a shrine a small holy place I still have room for.
Beyond is a grey area wanting for light, full of my mess wanting to be cleaned up...... my daughter was right It's my mess not hers. Outside my garden dark green is waiting to be loved again..... and upstairs there is blue and deep red chaos, my daughters room left as she left it at Christmas... flying in and away again. My  bedroom, work room,  sometimes a lonly place waits for me to look out and beyond it's present limitations.............. perhaps somewher I can rekindle old desires into new.

There you go....... can you?
Hope you are okay
February

[mikee3333]

 :)although i am not a carer(can just about look after myself at times) after taking a look at carers corner i am just glad that a resource like this is available for u all to access and share your thoughts and advice.keep up all the good things u do .some of your tales made even a cynic like me emotional(in a nice/good way).

[maggiem]

Sorry February, have been having bit of dodgey start to the new year! Thought christmas was too good to be true!
Two deaths in family, two funerals, stress of is the house move(putting too much on moving, so bound for a fall) Fingers crossed. And to top it all found lots of used needles in daughters room(I know I should not have been looking but I have to clean sometimes). Felt awful as I had already made my mind up and confronted her, she insisted that it was all from some time ago and was trying to clear it.
I want to believe her but there is always a part of me that doesn't. She looks so well and was upset that I thought that she was using.
Anyway, no you have not offended me at all.
Here is my house!

Front used to be inviting but grass decided to die, no longer lush green but now a horrid grey brown.
Lots of colour welcomes those that don't know, prints cover the walls, Dali, Escher, Kandinsky.
The rooms are large and expressive, some days they say more than others, some days a rainbow bounces of the walls lifting my mood(positive) other days the rooms are grey(negative)!
Actually the rainbow spirals through the corridor up the stairs and into the bedrooms, becoming more vivid or transparent depending which room. My daughters room is a bit like a roller coaster, sort of chaotic and always the transparent rainbow filtering through the window, but getting a bit clearer by the day.
My room is a warm purple, supposed to represent spirituality, well I do ask a lot of questions! No answers though, maybe I am not listening.

And before you ask, no I am not on acid!!!
Take care

[bp]

Hi Maggie

Let's dwell on the positive, you had a lovely, family Christmas and nobody can take that away from you, also your home sounds gorgeous. I think you know by now that "confronting" your daughter doesn't work, it just adds to your and her stress and probably gives her an excuse to use heroin. This may sound a bit extreme but perhaps you could make sure she has a Sharps bin in her room for her used needles,and explain to her that whilst in no way are you condoning her drug use you want her to do in such a way as will cause least harm to both her and you, you definitely don't want to get pricked by a used needle.  Also, when I read your email about Christmas, I think you knew in your heart that she was/is still using but she's probably using less, she's eating properly and you know where she is.

Someone once said to me that I couldn't "do a geographical", in other words, move away and I would stop using; if only it were that simple. She is so lucky to have you for a mum and I'm sure she beats herself up for letting you down, even though I know you would never do anything to make her think that. It's a huge problem for us users, we never seem to want to give up for ourselves, I've heard people say "I want so much to stop using for my son/daughter/parents/partner" but until we want to give up for ourselves we probably won't. I'm in my mid 50s and on quite a hefty methadone script, I doubt if I'll ever give it up. I've never gone for counselling of any sort (my choice) but with the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done years ago. I know your daughter doesn't want to go for counselling just yet but perhaps you could gently nuge her now and again.

Take Care.

Beryl

bERYL

[February]

 Dear Maggie

Thankyou.... I cried a bit when I read your house........ loved the rainbow spiralling up the stair case........ imagined you, your dancing free spirit.... your light..... take care to nourish it........front of house seems to need some attention like my back garden..... still there.....  at the top of the garden is a wild place for hedge hogs to home.... seems to attract dragon flies too. My daughter bought me a lily pool from Tescos when she was 12..... we made a fairy house nearbye for the many frogs that hop along..... some times they hop into the kitchen, found one in bonnies water bowl..... so beautiful..... so still in my hand..... not slimy at all...... hopped away.
Daughter put her hand through a pane of glass on Monday..... had to have operation..... cut nerves and a tendon. she was awake  throughout very painful  surgeons put needles in her neck and sent electric impulses down them to detect which nerves had been cut.
She said the surgeons were lovely to her  and  played Bob Marley throughout the op, first time I wasn't there. Miss her so.
Mum deteriorating...... finding it hard to cope with the incontinence, memory loss......loosing her...... so lovely sometimes..... so lucid.......hate myself for  feeling so angry with her sometimes.

Thinking of you........ hoping you will take some time for you...... maybe  a pot of wild daffs, pansies and red tulips to put near your fronte door  from me.

I took acid in the seventies.... awful trip....... never again. I was In Hair.... the musical, seems so long ago.

February

[February]

Is anybody There? so many of you read this strand or thread, I wonder why so few reply.  I'd like to hear from you....... if you have a moment to spare. Hows your day been, week , any time off? I sometimes think there is so much stress that when I do have sometime for myself.....  I find it hard to unwind and when I can there is an empty knawing feeling in the pit of my stomach....... but the sun is shining today and I'm off to London for my birthday on the 29th... spend some precious time with my daughter. It's a trapped feelimg , a back up against the wall feeling........hard to let go longing, for the sea....... hard to keep up appearances......

February

[Jules]

Hi February.   Yes, still here and coping with similar daily struggles and emotions as yourself but forgetting to share them...so my sincere apologies for that.  My partner's drug use has become somewhat erratic of late - his usual way of dealing with the shit that life throws at him from time to time and relying on me to deal with the fall out and pick up the pieces.  And that brave face that I put on for my family and friends who are in the dark that sometimes threatens to crumble but miraculously never does.  I too long for the countryside or the sea....or anywhere really that takes me away from the reality of my situation.  But I remind myself that, unlike you in a way, I have a choice and so far I do not choose to walk away.  Instead I have started voluntary work at a drug project last week and am trying to pick up a bit of a social life - even if it's only once a month.  I've also managed to build a wonderful support network of a handful of friends (thank you Beryl) and my counsellor and GP are only a phone call away.  In all, I count my blessings and, as a recovering alcoholic, can understand a little of what my partner is struggling with himself.  Do keep posting love and have a wonderful birthday on Friday.
Take care and I wish your daughter health and happiness and of course success in overcoming her problems.
Julie x

[maggiem]

Hi February
First, 'Happy Birthday' for Friday, enjoy yourself with your daughter.
I have to agree with you about the lack of posting from other carers, they must be out there!  I was begining to get bored seeing my name against a question etc.  There is so much that we can do to support each other, a kind word is so encouraging, a similar story can make the pain just a little bit better,  we can build up a network of invisible friends!  As Pudding said, we are going through the same emotions and struggles, we read about someone else and know first hand what is going on but we are not sharing these problems enough!
There are times when I am so sick and tired of what is going on in my head that I feel totally clogged up and cannot face coming on to this site, its as if my daughters world has taken over mine and its suffocating. That is what is happening now.  I feel so depressed and stressed out, I feel like walking away from it all.  But I know I won't, I cannot.  Teach me to move house(or try to) in the middle of all this crap.
We have just found out that daughter had pawned all my late mother's jewellery and mine, cost a fortune to get it back.  Plus threatening letters from ballifs(un-paid shoplifting fines etc etc). This month my husband paid out over £800 bailing her out. Money we don't have.  This is the outcome of her burying her head in the sand, hoping that by ignoring everything it will simply go away.  This was to meet her needs when she was using and we had no idea.  Things came to a head last weekend and she was asked to go, we want our lives back!  That shocked her.  But we have told her that when we move she will not be coming with us unless she gets a grip!!!
She is now on 30ml but I cannot be totally sure that she is not using on top, says she isn't.   
You know, if she goes we suffer, if she comes with us we continue to suffer, cannot win really.
Now I have told my tale and I am 100% sure that I am not alone here, I feel a mixture of embarassment and guilt writing this about her but it does help a little.
Here is hoping that others of you out there can offer snippets of wisdom etc for all of us to share. Take care everyone.
Pudding, is counselling helping you?
Maggiem

[bp]

February

I've just realised that you're one of those people whose birthday comes once every four years, have a wonderful day!!! Also, reading the various posts here today, I think 'Carers' Corner' is a wonderful part of the Alliance forum and would like to thank Linda Lee for setting it up, and thank everybody who posts here and has made it into such a wonderfully rich source of empathy and support for all.

Beryl

Beryl x

[Jules]

Hi Maggie
In reply to your question, I actually started counselling as part of my own recovery process but obviously a lot of time was spent discussing my partner's problems as these were very much contributing to my constant relapses at that time.   However, although I now no longer need regular counselling for my own addiction, I do still check in with him when everything gets on top of me and, yes, it really does help to just sit and pour out my frustrations, anger, hurt and sadness - it's like a cleansing process and very therapeutic.  If you don't have this facility where you are, it's worth checking what support your local drug service provides for friends and family of users.  Alternatively, Adfam run support groups - their website is www.adfam.org.uk.  It's very important that YOU have an outlet for all those pent-up emotions and although I understand your feelings of guilt and embarassment about discussing her, please don't feel that you're being disloyal by seeking the help and support you need and deserve.  It puts things into perspective and gives you hope that one day things will be different.  I was in denial about my alcoholism until I was 42 - I'm now 48.  Although I'm in no way complacent, I've come a long way and feel I'm a stronger and better person as a result.  I hope and pray your daughter finds her way too - she's got a headstart with a mum like you.  I wish you peace and strength.  Take care.  Julie

[Jules]

I've also just discovered a good site called Families Anonymous, www.famanon.org.uk.  They also run support groups which I might check out myself.  Good luck.

[maggiem]

Thanks Pudding for your reply and information.
I have been viewing the Families Anonomous website for some some time now and it is very good, but I am a little put off by 'higher being' and 'welcome to the fellowship' senario. I understand the 12 steps programme works for a lot of people but it makes me uneasy. Tough love is mentioned all the time and although they say it works I find myself questioning it!  We could not live with ourselves if we turned our backs on her.  There would always be that awful guilt trip if things were going to go wrong.  They also say that by bailing them out you are enabling their lifestyle, to a point I can understand but how sad a world it would be if there was no compassion and help.  As you have obviously read we have been on the edge on several occasions but we are still here for her, stupid it may be to some.
Apart from that the FA discussion forum opens your eyes to the tragedies in peoples lives and the desperation but it is helpful to know you are not alone.  That is help on its own!
What do you think?
I am going enquire at my daughters drug service provider and Adfam, will let you know the outcome.
You are perfectly correct I do need a release for all this pent up emotions!  We have a motorbike and i think its time we have a burst  around the country lanes to clear the cobwebs!!
Many thanks
Maggiem x

[February]

Well hullo what a difference a few days make. Dear dear Maggie so sorry to hear about your daughter, some wonderful caring responces for you to hold onto. Thankyou for the happy birthdays........fraid my expectaions were so high.......found myself overwelmed by emotion in London and cried a lot, realised that I am very depressed so back on the prosac, works for me.  Daughter tried so hard to make the weekend special. I just felt old and redundant as a Mum, a woman. Yes and all the guilt too supposed to be a therapist, supposed to be strong have all the answers........ and here I am wallowing. But I can be just that here..... without fear of being judged in any way. I do draw strength from these pages and my garden where the daffs who's heads were bowed down by so many frostings during the week are reaching for the sun again and dancing in the wind.  How I want to dance again.........feel inspired..........find it so hard to look forward watching my little Mum falling apart......... she answered the door yesterday in a pair of my daughters long johns I bought for her to go skiing with the school. She opened her purse to pay me for the shopping I'd done . There was a wad of notes about 200 pounds......I asked her where did she find them, she said they weren't lost. Taken to hiding money all over the house. Had to have gas stove disconnected left full on she couldn't smell it. She can't make her 11oclock cup of milky coffee with Bailys..... another little ritual gone. Oh well back to the mundanities of life...... and work, group been recommended for an achievers award.

Take care you all love February

[Jeanie]

Hi there this is my first ever message on here. I was am a carers representative and don't know if I am allowed to say where from, Don't really know what your allowed to say and what not at the moment.  I was living with my husband up until 2 1/2 years ago until I could not taken more as my husband was addicted to codiene and also an alcoholic. He was steeling and pawning things from our house and hit rock bottom lost his job and started cutting his wrists with razor blades. We have 2 children 10 & 17. He got into rehab from the help of Daybreak in B&D and got rehoused i another borough. He is now in detox again.
I still attend partners support group where I am a mentor for new comers. I feel very passionate about our service.
Since attending our group I learnt to detatch and always put myselfand my children first. In the last 2 years I have done 1 year art course, Passed level 2 english, introduction, next steps, level 2 counselling and now on level 3 counselling in theory and skills. I will stop there as I don't want to bore you with all my achievements just want to say my life is great at the mo.
Thanks for reading

Jeanie xx

[Lelee]

Hi Jeannie, good to hear from you and thanks for your personal messages. Please feel free to say where your carer's group and meetings are. Someone else on the site might read it, live in the area and want to attend.

I know that we have an advocate working on a service user project in that area and she may want to meet up with you sometime.
Maybe when I'm in London we could also meet up in the new year and I could find out more about the group you attend. It sounds interesting.

I think that the dynamics of being a partner/carer and parent/carer are so different. I may be wrong and this is open to debate obviously but I would imagine it's far easier to walk away from a partner than it is a son or daughter.  I suppose it's about a sense of responsibility because we brought that person into the world, we are their parent, their guardian too, and the bond is so strong. What do you think?

Are you an advocate of tough love whatever that really means?  I could never close the door on my son, not least because a lot of the time he's not responsibile for hisi actions, he has a dual diagnosis and very vulnerable. His poly drug use is hazardous when he's using.  If I was in this situation with a partner though I think I'd have detached myself a long time ago.  If children are also involved then they have to come first as you say.

 Some parents though do close the door on their sons/daughters and feel they have to reach 'rock bottom' in order to sort themselves out.  Although I don't understand this I couldn't say it's the wrong thing to do, every situation is different  What is 'rock bottom' though? And by closing the door aren't you increasing the risks? Maybe the important thing is about having firm boundaries so although you don't 'enable ' their drug use you can provide support and shelter.  I'm interested in other's perspectives here.

It can be so difficult watching your loved one withdrawing, vomiting, rolling on the floor in pain knowing that £10 will sort it out. Obviously getting that person into treatment is the answer but when there's a waiting list or the service has discharged or suspended them for giving positive tests or missing appointments it's the carer that has to pick up the pieces.   

Iit is important to have a balance when being a carer and realise that we're just as important as our loved ones.  It can take you over, health can suffer, all the joy can leave your life.  Carer's need support and it sounds like you've learned to live again Jeanie and have a fulfilling life by investing in yourself and the future for you and your children.

Look forward to hearing more. Hope everyone else is okay, the carer's corner has been quiet for a while. 

Linda