carers helping carers

[maggiem]

Hello all you carers out there.
I have used this site for a while now and it has given me a lot of advice and some peace of mind in very difficult circumstances.  I have been posting questions and getting lots of replies but sometimes it is better to interact with people that are in similar situations.  I have looked at other forums(that may work for many) but have been put off by 'welcome to the fellowship' and 'tough love'.
I want to talk to parents, siblings and friends of people that are in the same or similar situation as me, so that we can exchange views and advice. This carers corner is not used enough and it seems amazing that for all the people that want help and advice on the General discussion and Ask a question there must be  parents, friends who want the same!!
It would be a pity if this area was not used to its full advantage.   There has been practical advice on support for carers and I would like to know if anyone has been successful in obtaining assistance. Financially, emotionally?
I sometimes feel that I should not be posting on the General Category but have nowhere else to pour my heart out, we are wasting valuable space here.

[Lelee]

Hi Maggie, thank you for that. I hope all is well and it's been a pleasure talking to your daughter. Let's hope this carers corner is used more often,

Linda 

[February]

 dear Maggiem

I have only just discovered this site. I'm sure there are so many others who don't know about it. What we can do is pass the word.
I  work with people suffering from drug and alcohol addiction, have a ex partner who is an alcoholic and I'm a mum with a 22 year old and a mum of 93 who is dependent on me.I often feel very alone especially as I spend so much time being there for others. It's reassuring to be able to connect and share some time.


Best Wishes February

[maggiem]

Dear February, welcome.
It is re-assuring that there is someone at the other end of the line that understands, it does make you feel less alone. I seem to walk around with all this mess in my head and somehow manage to appear normal! If only. My husband has always been the strong one but the strain is begining to show and I feel so useless. I have read your posts and you say that you are in art therapy, how wonderful.  I have always considered that art has a place in recovery, emotionally, physically or spiritually. You must get a lot of satisfaction but I can understand that you can sometimes take on too much and you need a release too. It must be difficult coping with your job and caring for your mum.
I taught art at 6th form for 11 years and also had a spell in a prison with 18-21 year olds.  As you can imagine with the age ranges I was dealing with teaching was not the only thing i was having to sort out too.  Our budget was low but we managed, but it must be very difficult for you.  I finished teaching because of stress, if only i knew the amount of stress I would be walking into a few months later!!
When things get a bit tough I like 'say my bit' on this forum, it does help even if i get annoyed sometimes.
Stay in contact
Best wishes, Maggie

[February]

Dear Maggie
lovely to get a reply..... I'm a creative arts therapist and have specialised in Drama therapy, however  because drama is perhaps the most inclusive of all the art forms....... I also use art when it's appropriate . You say you were an art teacher... that's what I wanted to be but my dad was advised by a school carreers officer that there was no money in art... so he wouldn't let me go.  I settled for my second love drama and worked in theatre for 25 years.
Do you use your art skills now for your own pleasure? When I do I recapture those moments of getting totally absorbed...... lost in the moment of creating something...... 'for me.'
It can be hard, just taking time out for me. But when I do ,I get a deep sense of satisfaction....... even if there just me to appreciate it..... Maybe we could set each other some themes...  see what we create..... and descibe to each other then get some feed back.  What I've learned about the creative process is that it can move things forward, so you can get some distance to see things from a different perspective. It also brings the imagination out to play. Please keep in touch.
Best Wishes February

[February]

 Dear Maggie

How about 'the New year' as a theme. hey we could get something going for carers, often it difficult to put things in to words, because of confidentiality ect ...... but poems, short stories, art work we dont'have to put them out here..... but to give us some supported creative times for ourselves using a weekly theme then share
February
Have a great Christmas, find a peaceful corner just for you, spoil your self and imagine!!!!!!

[Lelee]

This is an old poem that's done the rounds. It was written by a mother. It ends on a sombre note and one that as a mother I sometimes fear in the myriad of emotions experienced,  but usually I am hopeful for his recovery.     

Linda x 

LADY HEROIN


So now little man, you've grown tired of grass,

Amphetamines, acid, downers & hash,

Let me introduce you to Lady Heroin...

Well honey before you star fooling with me,

Just let me inform you of how it will be,

I will seduce you and make you my slave,

I've sent much stronger than you to the grave.

You think you could never become a disgrace,

and end up addicted to my poppy seed waste.

You'll need lots of money just like you've been told,

'Cos Darling I'm much more expensive than gold.

So you'll start to inhale me one afternoon,

Take me in your arm the beginning of doom,

And once I have entered deep down in your vein,

Your life will never again be the same.

I'm expensive and dangerous, and love to live fast,

That feeling I give you it will never last.

You'll swindle your mother just for a buck,

You'll turn into something vile and corrupt.

You'll rob and you'll steal for my narcotic charms,

And you'll only find peace when I'm there in your arms.

When you realise the monster into which you've grown,

You'll solemly pledge to leave me only,

You nay think you've got that mystical knock,

Well honey just try getting me off your back,

The vomits, the cramps, your guts tied in knots,

Your trembling nerves screaming for those needed shots,

The hot sweats, the cold chills, the withdrawal pains,

Can only be cured by my little brown grains.

Theres no turning back, theres no need to look,

For deep down inside you know your still hooked.

You've given your morals, your conscience, your heart,

Your mine now forever

TILL DEATH DO US PART!



   



 

[maggiem]

Hi Linda and February,
What a good idea about sharing themes, it would be beneficial to focus on anything that takes you away from the thoughts that usually clog our minds! Turning expressions into painting, doodles, poetry etc, helps if only for a little while. Sometimes I like to concentrate on a painting or sculpture in a book and try and imagine what is going on away from what you actually see. Colour is a wonderful tool also, just visualising a colour can take you away from stress, take a little practice.  There is one thing that I definately have to do again, yoga and meditation. Years ago when life was a lot uncomplicated I found I could totally let go and relax so hopefully it might help now!! A New years resolution (no.1)
Linda, I had never read that poem before but wow! What can I say. It was painfull to read but it was as if I knew each line(if you know what I mean)?
Both of you have a good Christmas and lets hope the new year is a bit more easier.
To all you carers' out there, stay strong and make time for yourself.
Maggie x

[Lelee]

Hi Maggie and February

Great suggestions. Funnily enough I joined a leisure centre last week and did a yoga class. It felt wonderful to stretch all the tense muscles that I didn't know were there. The breathng and relaxation was also hugely beneficial. Been swimming, excercising, things I used to do before I forgot that my life was just as important as the person's life that I was caring for.

For me, this is 'my' time. I may sometimes come back to mayhem but can cope so much better because I am also having a life and doing things I enjoy. It's so easy to forget ourselves and our own needs.

Also your talking of colour Maggie has struck a chord. I used to be an aura some therapist and it's a beautiful soul colour therapy. 

My new years resolution is to go and refresh myself with some courses so I can practise again. I would like to see more complementary therapies offered in treatment and after care.

You both sound very creative, artistic ladies. Have you ever thought of setting up a local carers group? I'm sure your skills could be well utilised.

Happy Christmas

Linda x 

[February]

Dear Linda and Maggie

I was very moved by the poem because for the last six years I have looked into the face of drug and alcohol addiction and witnessed the pain, suffering it causes. My ex- partner is an alcoholic and I couldnt accept, 22years ago, how he coulld choose alcohol instead of his beautiful baby girl and me. Having since worked with men with alcohol and heroin addiction I have learned they don't have a choice, they have an addiction, a chronic relapsing condition.... and they cannot recover without support and ongoing after care sometimes for the rest of their lives. I remember ringing up in desperation yet another agency who might help him. After discussing his problems the woman counsellor said 'What about you and your child?...... Why isn't he ringing us?  I decided that day to make a choice, because I could. I chose  me and my daughter.
In my work I see and feel the pain of young and older fathers who have lost their children and partners....... years ago I felt that my partner couldn't possibly love us because of his actions and behaviour and how it affected our lives. But I know now that fathers do love and mourn the loss of their children, partners, parents.   love isn't eneough.... I wish that I had told my daughter 'Your Dad loves you but he's very sick and he's trying to get better..... but I was bitter so she grew up believing her Dad didn't love her eneough...... I regret that.

But to happier thoughts... someone said to me today what's your idea of heaven?
Being able to have my own private masseur.
Being able to have lie in and enjoy it.
Waking up to the sound of the sea
Living close to my daughter. in a garden flat with french windows that open onto a patio and a walled garden with a door that opens on to steps that lead to the river Thames.
Having eneough money to travel to exotic places.
A  partner who thinks iIm wonderful, who is practical, who still has dreams, who's independent, intelligent and tactile.

I think that's it for to-day!
Febuary

[February]

My dear Maggie
I ve just read you postings on 'Help please'.

I hope you are getting more support......is your daughter having any one to one counselling?
Hope you get a break over Christmas, best wishes, happier times, quiet peaceful moments, a healthy daughter, lot's to look forward to, laughter and love and hugs.
February

[maggiem]

Firstly of all, Happy new year to everyone.
Dear February, sorry for not replying sooner but I have been so busy. In the process of selling our house and moving to a different area, have managed to find a house that ticks all the boxes,(eg. locality of chemist, doctor, good transport), not for us but for our daughter!!
What a stressful event but it does seem the right time to go. She is desperate to move on, make new friends(where no one knows her situation) and to hopefully form a relationship with a decent guy.  She will be 25 this year and her sibblings are in good relationships and it hurts her that she cannot have the same. She is still beautiful and looking better each day, however people here know of her past and basically shun her and worse.
I asked her about her councelling sessions, because she has been working she has not been and she said that it does not work for her! Perhaps she has been unlucky but I think it could help.
Christmas was good, she helped me a lot and was a totally different person from a year ago, although her sister said she was far too good!!
Today she went to have some blood tests but fainted twice(funny how she used needles on herself and now cannot have blood tests),
I will have to support her tomorrow! Her arms look a mess. What has she done to herself, I think she is scared stiff of her long term health and regrets so much.  As a Mum this is so painful to see.
Anyway, I hope Christmas was good for you.  I expect you are now back to work and in the thick of it?
Take care,
Maggie x

[February]

Dear maggie

Still recovering fom Christmas...... beautiful 22 year old daughter home..... multi talented.... but so lacking in confidence. Empty sad places I cannot fill.... with all my love.
I am not presumimg to know anything about your daughter but based on my work with young people ,addiction can be a symtom of deeper more complex issues often difficult to articulate because they are unconsious. This is where the art therapies are so affective........ would  your daughter consider working with an arts therapist........ using art can provide a safe container for expression of unconsious material that can't be expressed in words . It creates distance,,,,,,,,,,,, something to look at from an objective perspective.  This may be something you and she could do together.......  may be all the familly..... because  her addiction is a familly issue. Also doing something creative  brings the imagination out to play,,,,,,, what a healing resourse...... 
Okay lets's get started.... lets have some time for us........  how difficult will we make that be?

Subject 'my house' free expression ..... colours........abstract...... what ever
When finished describe what you see.......
Anytime to do between now and next friday

TAKE  CARE FEBRUARY

[debs]

Dear Maggie,

Been using Alliance forum for about a year now. I am stable on a methadone script,working full time and have a loving husband and a brilliant son. Anyway had a few minutes to spare and i read all your previous posts. Just would like to say that your daughter has been very lucky to have a mother like you supporting her.
 Despite a very middle class upbringing, my family were not there for me when i began my many years of addiction-heroin,cocaine,crack,downers whatever. They paid for 2 detox 5's,naltrexone implants at the Stapleford clinic etc  but they would never let me live with them again after i left the family home to go to university when i was 19. My parents also would not take care of my son and allowed him to go into foster care with a view that he would be eventually adopted. To cut a long story short, i pulled myself out of the gutter with the help of my now husband and i now have my son living back with me permanently. and am living a decent,worthwhile life. I have a reasonable relationship with my mother now. My parents have recently divorced and my relationship with my father was never a good one but i stiil feel really angry with my parents about what they did or didn't do at that time,particularly with regard to their treatment of their grandson.

It was really interesting to read  what parents go through and i know i put mine through hell many times. Looking back my mother did try and get me help with various agencies but she was so timid that it never achieved much. My mother had to do all this alone as my dad was about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. I stiil think that you have to be really assertive and put your parts on to get the help your loved ones need. I know my mother would have found this forum helpful. I'm sure she just expected to go to the GP and that it would be sorted out from there. She definitely thought that if she paid for me to go "private" that the problem would be fixed!

Anyway, I hope your daughter is still doing well and I  wish you all the very best for the future.

Take care,
Deb

[maggiem]

Thankyou Deb for your post.
It is so lovely to hear that you have moved onwards and upwards and are happy, having your son with you.  It gives me some hope for my daughter who would love to find a man who will understand or accept that she has made a mistake, like all of us do at some stage in our lives. She would love a child and I feel she would make a good mother. Unfortunately her periods stopped over 3 years ago and is worried that she won't be able to have any. She is stable on 40mls and is happy to stay on this amount for some time.
I am glad you have rekindled your relationship with your mother, we all react in different ways to situations and I am sure she feels guilt as much as you. I went through a lot of emotions at the begining from anger, resentment, guilt, hate, to complete sorrow. I was totally confused by what I felt towards my daughter but it is getting easier day by day. At one(well lots actually) stage I could easily have thrown her out, I said terrible things to her and it makes me cry thinking of it now. But I did not and I have learnt to take each day as it comes and hopefully she will make it and be happy like you.
I hope you continue to build bridges with your mum.  My mother died at the age of 58, she so wanted grandchildren and luckily she had 2 years with my daughter before she died. I  wish that she was here now.
Take care x