voiceing some veiws about death, etc..

[skroe]

Hi, Hope everyone is good, Not looked or posted here for a while.
Anyway I'll get to the point.
One of my closest mates, Pele, whom I've known for nearly 20 year's suddenly passed away. I've come back from his funeral today. He was just 33, it was very intense and emotional and upsetting, esp with his Daughter calling for her daddy. His mother and auntie where, are totally devastated. It was very difficult to watch. I shed tears as with many others.
There today, there was plenty of love for him, with a huge turnout.

I first met him back in 1992, he wanted to learn to paint Graffiti, So I met him that way, Over the years we become very close, infact i would say that we seen each other basically everyday for 15 years, We both had a passion for pitbull's and would be out with our dogs everyday, I helped him with graffiti, he picked up how to tag, and do basic things, Infact he had a good "handstyle", what I mean is how you perfected your "tag style", and the way you wrote it and other letters in a stylized way not unlike calligraphy. I took him to his first rave. He lodged in a few flats I had over the years. He used to call me the brother he never had. He was quite a character with his dreadlocks and dogs around the estate.

Anyway, He got into heroin around 10 years ago, about the same time has a lot of people in fact, I used it with him, but I was more of a drinker back then, and used it when drunk, then used it to help alcohol withdrawals, a few times a week,  until I become more involved in the "heroin scene" and the people with in it, thats then it truly became an addiction to me.
If you have read my past posts, this is the guy that used to deal from my flat.

After I got off heroin, I knew I had to stay away from him and many others, so in the last few years I wasn't as close to him as a was before.
When I got into injecting heroin he was mad at me, He was very anti needle.
In the last few years there wasn't that bond we once had.
Once I heard about his death it was such a shock, but he was one that never knew when to stop, he'd smoke gear all day and night, only moving to go to pick up. He was taking all kinds of pill's and Meth on top while he was not scripted.
He once fell unconscious somewhere, for something like 18 hours, He nearly lost his arm because he slept on it trapping blood flow..
The last time I heard from him was about a month back, He knocked here in the night about 9-10pm but I never answered, I knew he was looking for places to stay, plus he had two dogs, He knew my neighbour so knocked there and stayed in there for a few hours, prob waiting for me to turn up, If I'd let him in he'd use excuses or act asleep to stay, he would become thick skinned and not listen to you. He had two flats from the council, but he wreaked them both up, taking the C.heating out to sell and lived in a mess..
I couldn't go through all that dealing and the rest of it again. So the easiest thing to do was to ignore him and pretend i was out, I still lock my door in habit because he and others used to check to see if my front door was locked.

sorry I'm going on here, I think I feel guilty in a way..

Anyway He happened to find a place to stay, my sisters Ex, the Dad of my niece.
So there was a lot of bad vibes about that TBH, because My sisters ex only just come out of rehab, next thing he's using again and Pele's living there. My sister stopped my niece from going to see her Dad, while Pele lived there.

Then out the blue My neighbour knocked to say she heard rumours then a friend phoned me to say about the Rumours going about, Then it was on facebook I was shocked, numb, sick, just strange feelings flowing through me.
I later found out that he was buying loads of valuim from somebody, Richard my sisters ex, knew. These where fake ones the type you get on the web i think, Its not valuim but some other chemical I'm guessing after googling fake valuim, I think they contain Phenazepam, A Russian Version thats much stronger? Though I'm told these where yellow?
He was scripted valuim from his doctor but like everyone else there reducing our scripts.
I would take loads when I was around him, I think he took so many of these plus methadone, then Injected heroin. That ws a shock, due to his dislike of needles, but most of us know that once you go that route and feel it, its hard not to go any other way.
It dont seem real to me still, I'm still in shock.
I did a painting of him for his mother, She was in no state to look at it today, his auntie looked at it and went to grab it as if it was real.

For some reason today I've bought gear too, already done a bag, I don't know why? I just wanted too for some reason, first time since xmas, and that was a one off with my bro..But today I don't feel bad about it, TBH, I've been feeling like I wanted that opiate warmth for a while, I've been rembering the nice times I had with it, instead of the crap,  I don't drink no more, just something to realise so much tension I guess.
But the dose I'm on with methadone stops most of the pleasurable effects..

My arthritis seems to be worse lately, Many mornings also at night it really hurts, The pain meds don't seem to help much and my psoriasis is flaring up again.

(I've got a bloody ATOS medical tomorrow 9am, nightmare to get too in the best of times, but rush our, no train, a couple of diff buses as I don't drive, but I'll have to Taxi it.. the other side of Cardiff,- whoop-ie dooo!!!! lucking forward to that)

I've been buying sominex and some other otc sleep aids, plus buying extra Mirtazapine on top, over the last few months, just to relax. ( I've found out Mirtazapine to be very addictive, which I never knew when I was first prescribed them, but they neatly call it "discontinuation syndrome" when in fact it feels like a true withdrawal to me.)

Anyway, I just wanted to air some words on here, It just doesn't seem real still that my friend has passed.

[Fluoro]

Skroe,

Its nice 2 here from u. I'm very sorry 2 hear of your loss, I know how sad it can be 2 lose a loved one. The couple of friends I have lost have affected me.

The close mates that u grow up with that u know are genuine mates for life have a special bond where u know if u have any probs they will be there for u & vice versa u are there for them.

I was on Mirtazapine & found it worked ok for depression compared 2 what else is currentlly available but couldn't handle the weight gain. I knew that Mirtazapine & other similar anti-depressants had a physical dependence potential, but with u saying u have bought extra 2 relax, it sounds like there is a physchological depence potential.

The only thing I don't understand is I found Mirtazapine 2 be more relaxing when taking 15mg instead of the 45mg, which I couldn't understand.

It sounds like anti depressents are having a street value, with the reduction in benzo scripts. Out of interest, what is the street value?

Tomo.

[froude]

The Alliance's own Banksy is back ,How are you me old friend SKROE,sorry about the sad loss ,seems to be alot of death about the past 6-8 months,sorry only quick ,Hope you bearing up well,all the best Froude,dont go missing again LOL,keep up the painting SKROE you have a tallent keep at it you can only get better.

[skroe]

Thanks guys, Lol Froude mate, I'm more of a "team Robbo" than Bansky, lol...Thanks mate..I'll post up some work later..
Thanks for the reply..

Tomo, I think your spot on about my use of mitazapine mate, I've found that I've built some tolerance to it TBH, A few weeks ago I was taking 4 45mg a night and nearly a full script of sominex, but he'd get real nervous on them, and have panic attacks, i felt a little to how i felt when i used to drink heavy and withdrawal from that, really weird in a not nice way. but soon after i'd crash out. its just something i don't know, just around 7ish at night i just find myself longing for something.
I buy the pills from my neighbour, and a friend of there's, I give them £10 for a month worth of 15mg's and £10 for around 20, 45mg, from there friend. 
Its caused me more trouble than its worth TBH, so now I'm not taking as much.

Yeah its still raw with my mate, I had some tears today..A few months back, An another close friend of mine, his mum passed away, Cheryl.  She had cancer, but It was a shock still, we knew it was terminal by then, She was Talking and speaking one day, then she passed in her sleep the next, my mate went to see her and found her in her bed. She was laid to rest on her 54th Birthday.
I used to live there with my mate, and his Mum and sister when I left school and got my first job, I lived there for a few years, That hit me hard when I found about her passing.
She was such a great lady, She treated me as one of her own, she had amazing looks and was like one of us, liked to party, It was durring the acid house/rave scene when I lived there, She was a Great woman.

It hit me hard, Because I was sorry for my mate too who lost ihs Mum.

But with my friend Pele who passed recently, Its took me a while to get used to the fact he's really gone, maybe Its because though Cheryl, my mates Mother had this terrible Illness, and It was upsetting, but It was expected, not as soon has it did, but We all knew.
And with Pele it was a bolt out of the blue. I don't think there's any words to explain human emotion when you lose a Family member friend, or anybody in fact.

I've used again today , I've not taken my methadone today also
I just want that warm feeling to relax too for a day or two. Though I have no plans to start doing this all the time now!!, I still have memory's of how bad some days where when on the gear. Also the hurt I seen in my Mothers eyes, Theres no way I'll want to go that route again.
But saying this I feel hypercritical right now. I have 3 bags left.

Anyway I've got to get ready to go to the chemist for my weekend script, I never went this morning due to my Atos medical..
Thanks guys, I'll post some work up later..
Take care...

[sapphire]

Sorry to hear about your friend Skroe, hope you're ok. It's a horrible shock when things like this happen.

[bp]

Good to hear from you Skroe and sorry to hear you're having such a sad time. I am concerned that you're using gear again and whilst it's perfectly understandable considering what you've been going through and also the pain, please be careful. I won't patronise you by telling you how easy it is to go from a few bags to a full blown habit, actually scrap that because I've just told you haven't I? Take care, go east and please keep in touch.

If you fancy a chat give us a call on 0845 122 8608.

B

[OP8S]

Sorry to hear the bad news skroe, you must be well cut up. A word of caution though 45-60mg mirtazapine is the max dose & if you take any more it seems to have a paradoxical effect. 1 45mg helps me sleep but 2 would keep me awake, unpleasantly. I'm not surprised if you're feeling jittery taking those amount, it's an anti-depressant if you're not on one already maybe it's an idea to pay your GP a visit. Take care.

[sapphire]

Oooh, I didn't know that OP, so for example, if I was on 30mg/night, then taking 60mg would not be helpful as far as sleep goes?

[OP8S]

I found when I was first prescribed them at 45mg that they knocked me out at bedtime & so out of curiosity took 90mg, fell asleep for 20mins then felt very uncomfortable. Also swapped a few with a mate, he took one & was knocked out his other friend took 2 & said he couldn't sleep.
I was always under the impression that 45mg was max dose of mirtazapine but on a recent visit to a GP to asked to be increased again to 45mg, as I thought it was as far as I could go. The GP who I saw wasn't my usual GP but was very pleasant. He said that some of the GP's in the practice would prescribe 60mg but he & myself would rather see how I get on with the 45mg again.
I was dead pissed off having to increase my ad as I had dropped it for the first time in years & thought things were going well, then the crash came. Say no more.
One thing I forgot to ask was whether I could take 15mg in the morning & 30mg at night. I've always been on 45mg which I take before bedtime ( usually the last substance to enter my body ) Don't know if I could split the dose & take 15mg in the morning or whether that would make me to dopey to work ? Should of asked, usual story though. It wasn't my usual GP & I was more worried about him taking some of my meds away rather than increasing my ad.
That's just my experience, though was quite surprised when skroe said how much of the stuff he'd been taking I've never heard of anybody taking such large quantities regularily. I would choose a different substance myself but the mirtazapine seems to work for me therapuetically better than any other ad I've taken, & that's the lot.

[skroe]

Good to hear from you Skroe and sorry to hear you're having such a sad time. I am concerned that you're using gear again and whilst it's perfectly understandable considering what you've been going through and also the pain, please be careful. I won't patronise you by telling you how easy it is to go from a few bags to a full blown habit, actually scrap that because I've just told you haven't I? Take care, go east and please keep in touch.

If you fancy a chat give us a call on 0845 122 8608.

B

Thanks BP, Yeah I think what it is also is that I got a number at the service, of an old friend that used to deal to me, and was cool to tick me up to £100+, other people found out about this and would be around me from early morn to late night knowing if I never had money I could tick, and all the crap that involved with people asking me to tick on there behalf, only to mess me around.
I seen good in some people but was burnt by a lot of other people. This guy used to look after me in a way, He knew me from when I was small and said he'd give me tick b/cause he never wanted me to start stealing, He said he never liked to deal esp to me, but he knew i'd buy it anyway from else where so delt me.. also he commissioned paintings from me, plus commissioned me to paint a whole mural in his bedroom. He never took any advantage of me, He'd always pay me more than I asked for the work by a long shot infact. Unlike others that would ask me to paint them pictures and give me pennys really, I think some sold the paintings for profit, using me to make a quick buck. This guy though always kept the artwork and would even buy me canvases and paints etc out of the blue.
Anyway he no longer deals, but there's a fella, say thats been on, not far from where I live, and have witnessed whats been going on for a bit, so i've had a few thoughts while ive been seeing this, and have just wanted to wet my nose again i think. plus with everything that happened recently in the last few weeks etc.., but with this fella i've clocked, I've not got involved with him because I dont want other people knowing anything, (if they found out a started to buy again I'd have unwanted people knocking again..)
So I've bought some, via this old friend of mine who used to buy my work, before etc.., and is wanting some more work soon. I must stress this lil binge is no way because of him, he's not knocking here to ask if I want, I've always contacted him.
But yeah I'm being careful, I don't want to go back to how things where some years back. I never used nothing yesterday, I did have some this morning, but i'm not going to use  again tonight.
I guess with the start of the week now, I'll stable myself back on the methadone. I reduced my intake a bit over the last few days too, for this "Binge" I'm surprised how my body as acted, really bad sweats, toilet breaks, you know with out going into detail.
I'm on a daily script of 140mil, so very surprised, theres no way I can go back to using everyday I was also seeing how I responded to a lil reduction with the meth I guess..
God knows how some people are able to come off the meth so quick.. Props to them!!!

Thanks for your concern though..

OP', mate thats so spot on man, I'll tell you when I take a mirtazapine I start to feel less edgy and relaxed, and a little euphoric, esp with some O.T.C antihistamines, but i as usual started to overdo it, not knowing from what your saying now that I was doing the opp of what I wanted, I thought I was getting torralant to them, so taking more and more, plus taking more and more antihistamines on top, was feeling like i was flying, and tripping, with horrible feelings and heart racing on edge, I'd take some more No wonder I felt so weird and over hyped.
I think I become a bit manic too, not just at night but during the day..Then when I run out of Mirtazapine I felt shit, really Ithen found out that they where addictive.
I've lowered my dose now, I'll just have to get back taken them normally...I like to take them around 7ish, so I'll have to try and take them later. I've took one about half hour ago, plus one 50mg antihistamine.
Anyway thanks, And thinks for the Info and everything..
I'll spk later..

Heres one painting I've nearly done, of three graffiti writers from NYC, set in the Bronx, during the 70's and 80s..
I'll post some more in the next few days etc..
I hope this works now..take care all, and thanks, Kevin..

PS The guy in the Red, "CASE2/KASE2" sadly Passed away recently, I didn't know him personally, but he was famous in the graff scene, he also lost an arm and leg, after being electrocuted on the train tracks..but still produced so much work on the trains, each car is 60 feet long and 12ft high, but he still rocked them!!!!!!!!



I don't know why the pictures appear small here?
Thanks all..

[Jules]

Hi Skroe

Good to hear from you mate - but not for the reasons you've said.  I lost my Dad recently as you know and another friend lost her battle with cancer a few days ago.  I totally understand your desire to get lost in a haze - and for a while it does - but you've come so far.  Blimey, I wake up every day to that wonderful picture you did which is on my wall so just think about the pleasure you've given so many with your art.  I'm looking forward to the next one.

Hope the arthritis isn't getting any worse - I'm dreading the winter with mine!  Keep the faith & keep us posted.

All the best

Jules

[OP8S]

Nice one skroe, even if it didn't come up the full size. Hope things sort themselves out mate. Good to have you back Jules also, I hope you're doing good after your loss. Take care.

[froude]

SKROE,Another one,good as usual,what we have come to expect from our genius on the canvas/spray paint.Good to hear your ok ,sorry about the pains in the joints.So you gonna post some more of your work ,hope so ,they always bring a smile to my face,Keep well mate All the best Froude
                                DONT LET THEM GRIND YOU DOWN.

[skroe]

Thanks Jules ( Ive forgot what painting or artwork I did now now. lol  ).., Froude. I'll post up a painting I did of Pele, The close friend that passed, It still feels weird.

I had some bad news yesterday too, Another friend of mine, we go back over 20 years too, He's not involved in drugs these days, He was a keen raver back in the day though, when you had pills like doves, calis, disco biscuits, double barrels, dennis the menace's etc, and would drop Acid during the day for the hell of it, lol, top guy who is in a top job, has a family now with his children.. well young adults themselves now, whom are doing all the thing young adults do, Its very strange that his and a few other of my close mates offspring, are at that age where we where, back over 20 years ago.
His worry is that he'll become a grandfather soon. has his boys are now in relationships.. I've no children myself but its mad seeing my mates who are the same age has me, But are in many ways the same as they where 20 years back, we're still into Graffiti, and love to play and buzz to the old classics from the acid house then Rave scene lol. 
Where's all the time go!!!!..It don't feel that long ago we were raving, Even going to Ibiza when it was less commercial don't seem that long ago. ( I want to go out there again to paint pictures of people by cafe mambo, and cafe del mar etc)

He'd rung asking if I can do him some artwork for a Tattoo. then he told me about his Sisters Husband, Mike, He was murdered just before a football match, They have Children in there late teens and early 20s. Its just mad Life seems so unfair. You never know what's around the corner, I got to say I didn't really know his Sisters Husband well, but of cause I knew his sister and spoke to her from time to time on facebook. Its just crazy you never know what's next, I'm really sad for her..I'll paint her a painting, Its not much but I hope it helps in a way.   

I've stopped my binge, Last used Monday night. I'm surprised how much it effected me, What I mean I knew I had to reduce my methadone to get any real effect and relaxation from the gear.
I started to use gear last,Thursday, buying, 2- 4 bags a day avg, Apart from the Saturday, anyway by Monday night into Tuesday morning I was sweating hard, feeling pretty ill, its if the gear wasn't holding me, I was doing two bags at the same time, so did get a rush but nothing mega, though there was two bags a bought Sunday night that felt stronger and was told was better gear, but Monday night the gear wasn't to clever. But that was the only stuff around at the time. also I totally cut down on the mirtazapine, then Monday  night I didn't have any at all, and I know that makes me sweat and withdraw in a bit similar to opiates, not as bad but very noticeable the same.
I'm not sure but I'm thinking the reduction in methadone, and the mirtazapine might put my body out sync, I don't know? Though if I'm an hour or more late to pick, or take my script i start feeling it... (Hats off to the people that come off it with ease or just gets on with it..)
Anyway with this binge, I didn't get to what I was looking for, Prob for the best really.
In an ideal world, I guess a lot of people would like the same, It would, to be able to quit the Methadone and to smoke pure opium, in my own home, from my own grown crop at night. I don't think that will ever happen though.

Anyway I'll post up a picture I was doing of my mate that recently died, TBH, its not complete here, it also looks weird too, with the angle I took the picture, making the portrait appear off, I wasn't going to post it but Its about my mate so I'll post it up.. Also Its the only picture I have of it, I just took the picture on my mobile phone while I was still working on it. I wasn't happy with it, I didn't have much time, and was painting it up to the time the taxi came to take us to the funeral, It was still wet when I took it. Here you can see the painting is not done. I was going to take a picture at the church, but with everything that went on I never got around too. I think his relatives liked it, and said they would take it, though I did say I'd like more time, but his cousin told me to sign it and it would be passed on. Is mum and auntie and daughter where in a terrible state, so I'm not really sure if they did like it.
I' want to paint another soon, and spend much more time on it Just waiting for ink for my printer to come to print a bigger ref photo.

Unfinished Pele painting.
   

Also I'll post a graffiti type painting, (part of a series i'm doing on subway graffiti) This is also set in the 80s NYC, Just a rendition of a Police or "vandal squad raid" in a subway yard, I've tried to paint it if its been raining and the one officer is about to trip on the rail and fall on to his face, or worse on the 3rd rail, (where he'd get the biggest buzz of his life )..



I've also not forgot about the addiction series, I'm reworking one, that let say, it suggests Police officers are also partial to a bit of gear, 

Take care speak soon..

[OP8S]

Great pics skroe, can't wait to see the one with the coppers!
Cheers.