Did I do the right thing?

[wastedyouth]

Im asking this question from the perspective of a carer/parent of an addict and this may well be removed and thats ok if iv'e put this in the wrong place, but i cant ask my mother the question as she has manic depresion, she had it our whole childhood, so basically i dont want to upset her.  The background to the question is-when i found out i had an addiction and i was on the way down very fast i basically removed myself from my mothers life, i was scared what i would do, would i steal from her lie to her etc and being ill i would have made her worse, but now i can look back and think with a clear head, did i do more damage leaving quickly without much of an explaination even though i think deep down she knew.  I thought that i was doing a selfless thing leaving and not turning back, not getting in touch, i honestly thought i was doing her a favour(and when i saw the way other addicts treated their parents, i used to think that i had done the right thing, but did i!).  When i think back i would leave again, but having children myself now has made me question whether i could go to bed at night not knowing if they were safe.  At the moment this guilt is holding me and my mothers relationship from moving forward, i dont know if i should say sorry, but i dont want to dig up the past because of the depression which is really bad(she gets sectioned about once a year)

I would be greatful if any parents could give me a little advice even of how to go about saying that maybe i did the wrong thing and im sorry.

[maggiem]

Hello,
When my daughter vanished into thin air it stirred up a mixture of emotions for me, anger, relief, helplessness in fact I was very selfish.  We moved to help her but I now realise she hadn't hit bock bottom and it didn't make any difference to her, she wasn't ready.  We were burying our heads in the sand, thought that by moving away, by magic she would stop using, in fact there is just as bad a drug problem here!!!
Anyway that is now behind us and she is on the on the road to recovery, slowly this time.
We often chat about things that had happened, the stealing etc etc and I can see that she is deeply troubled by her actions and I think she always will be. We are moving on, I tend to say 'shit happens' .
The reason I am replying is I remember a few weeks ago we went out for a girly lunch, had a bottle of wine and talked.  We had a lovely time and the one thing that stood out was she said 'I'm so sorry' and I knew she meant it.
I know it is difficult for you with your mum being depressed, give her a big hug and tell her you love  her.  There will be a time when you can say sorry but I am sure she knows.
It is true that by being a parent makes you feel different about your own parents.
Try not to beat yourself up, you are going the right direction, enjoy your children and be happy.
maggie

[wastedyouth]

Can i just start by saying thank you for answering my question, i did really want to hear from a parent who would have personal expierence from the other side.  I think it's great that you have been able to build back up your relationship with your daughter, i would give anything for that with my mother, but i must say that my addiction is not the only reason that it broke down in the first place.  My mother is an alchoholic, not a bad person just had a hard life, but i just feel like we are such different people even though you would think we had something in common(addiction).  Her depresion does make things hard as i dont want to be the reason that she gets section for another stint.  Everything i do for my mum now is just not to hurt or upset her as she is so fragile eg saying goodbye at the train station i cuddle her and tell her i love her, but i do that simply so she goes away feeling a bit better.  My mum put me in care at a young age 5, then i went back to her at 10 so i feel a lack of bond, but that doesn't stop me wanting to stop her from hurting.  Between the 2 of us we have both made wrong decisions in our lives.  Basically what im trying to say am i best leaving the past in the past or broaching the subject in the hope we would let down our gaurds and move on.  I know what your thinking this one is complecated, but i do just want the best for my mum.

Maggiem, i wish you long and happy times with your daughter and if she is anything like me she loves you.  In my life if only....