Unsure

[hope001]

I love my 28 year old daughter who has relapsed big time ( she has just recently fallen for someone who she said was a reformed heroin user despite the police advising her to stay away from him until he speaks to them about an investigation they are conducting) For the first time in her life her dad and I are having to say she cannot return home. She has not been turning up for work and has left her darling 2 year old with his Dad(her non using ex) and has told her sister that she does not want her baby anymore. I believe she will probably soon be given notice to quit her flat.  She has lost interest in her appearance and is looking thinner than ever. I believe she has no money . I know that her drug in the past has been heroin and she was on a  subutex prescription (weekly pick up) with the local Community Drug centre but I am not sure now what she is using - perhaps cocaine and I don't think she has been turning up at the chemist for her prescription for several weeks. I am trying to keep myself strong using the Families Annonymous programme and am just about keeping it together but I am not sure, if she asks me for help, what I should do. We do not have the money for expensive rehab and I can only think I should advise her to return to the Community Drug Centre or to her GP. I believe she needs something with a counselling programme attached to it but she has told me in the past that the prescription for subutex was to allow her to stabilise and that counselling would come in when she decided she was ready to reduce. She did seem to be doing well for a while but this relapse seems to be connected with her meeting this man and I guess is a mutually destructive relationship. I am praying that she finds her way to recovery and I am asking for advice about which direction I should point her in if she asks me for help. ( As you may guess I have spent many years trying to save her from consequences but am now standing back because I have learnt I can't save her - she must want to do that herself. She knows she is loved).

[erinshauna]

Hi Hope001
It is very difficult to stand back and watch our children destroy themselves but so many times I have decided to let my daughter "get on with it"but it never lasted for long and I would be back picking up whatever new mess she was in.I use to worry that my daughter would think I did.nt love her if I didnt help her by refusing to give her money for example.I began going to addaction several weeks ago just to have a space for me to discuss my fears and concerns re my daughter.I can only suggest that once again you point her in the direction of one of the local clinics  or do you have addaction near you.?What I dont do any longer is give my daughter any money but I will take her gas card,electric key and put money on them,I also will buy her food.Sadly I learned the hard way that I was enabling my daughter to continue her drug taking by constantly giving in to her begging for money using all kinds of excuses as to why she needed money.Like your daughter mine is also 28 and it is soul destroying to watch them choose a lifestyle which is so destructive but they also have choices and all we can do as parents is encourage them to join a programme which may help them to finally halt their drug using.I am not sure if anything I have written will help but I certainly understand all your fears and concerns.Take care
Shaney

[Lelee]

Hi Hope, firstly I'm glad you have support for yourself through FA. How have you found them by the way?

Isn't it heart breaking when you see your son or daughter so trapped and blinded by their dependency on heroin that nothing else matters to them, even their precious babies. You've thrown her a life line and maybe all you can do at the moment is keep the life raft out there for her for when she wants to come back.

From my own experience I know how hard it is to keep the balance in our lives. I think we all learn how to cope with this as we go along and every situation is unique. I made many mistakes, but looking back maybe I would make some of them again.

 I funded my son's habit for a while because he couldn't access treatment when he needed it. (I think that services are very aware this goes on.) He'd had a clot on his lung and pneumonia and his withdrawals were horrific, he used to choke and suffocate on his vomit because of his breathing problems. I wasn't prepared to take a moralistic stand point and let him die. What mother would? We'd been everywhere, GP, local clinic, A&E where we waited for 4 hours and then turned away. I found out it's a bottomless pit though. It was so frustrating because at that time he was really motivated to take any form of help. 

Nobody can tell you what to do Hope in your circumstances. It sounds like you've been through a lot already and have done all you can so far. My biggest fear of closing the door was that my son would die and I know that's our ultimate fear. I shudder when I hear people say 'you have to let them reach rock bottom.' What sort of world would it be if we just let our children, and people generally, sink into the abyss without putting out a hand to help? Yes, everybody should have the chance to realise the consequences of their actions but I think that when someone is chaotic, self harming with high risk  behaviour and desperate they're not in a fit state of mind to make informed decisions let alone face the consequences of them. Mind you my son cold be so manipulative too at times where heroin was involved no matter how sick he was.

As parents and carers we have to keep strong enough to be able to keep a balance in our lives. To respect ourselves enough so we are not abused by our children but still be there for them in a healthy way. I think we have to see ourselves as a seperate entity with a right to a life for ourselves and a right to happiness.

Rehab is a treatment option that should be offered if there is motivation for this. You shouldn't have to fund it yourselves. We can advocate for this.

Remember we have a help line too that is open to everyone. Keep posting and let us know how you're getting on.

Take care
Linda