Desperate

[maggiem]

Hello to all out there,
Having very hard time now.  Think I have had my head in the sand for a long while and I am begining to suffocate!!
Daughter changed to suboxone(thought it was a blocker), no way, she used on top was very ill but has continued.  Remember I am getting information from her that might or not be true but I am non the wiser. Mothers intuition tells me that all is wrong, her skin is flared, shallow and spotty, abcess on arm, not eating, irrational, moody and no pride at all in her appearance.
Talked to her the other day about my concerns and basically not to treat me as an idiot, hoping she would open up.  I am so ashamed at my suspisions but my gut instinct tells me I am right. 
We are moving area on Thursday and we have done it mainly for her, but everything has come to a head now.  Apparently she is still on heroin and crack and is totally scared about her mortality!! She cannot see a way out. She wants rehab but we cannot afford it, spent so much already.  She regrets coming off Methadone. I dont think she knows what she wants.  All I am afraid of is going into her room one day and she is dead.
What do we do?

[erinshauna]

Hi Maggiem
I am really not a great one to give advice here but I truly can identify with everything you have written,I have written my diary and so much says about my fear of finding my daughter dead.It is a desperate situation and like you I am ever suspicious of my daughter and what she tells me.I have often thought I would like to lock her in a room for days until all drugs are out of her system.My daughter is also scared of her mortality and yet threathens suicide every other day,then swears she is going to stop the drugs but drinks alcohol.She was prescribed subutex and now refuses to take it and just stopped it after she missed her appointment at Easter w/end,she was then prescribed olanzapine but has refused to take it for the last 5 days in fear of becoming obese,she went out drinking last night and was back on the phone today crying,regretting,suicidal,depressed.I can only imagine the enormous stress you are under especially as you are moving.Does your daughter attend any kind of drug clinic and does she have a drug worker.Where I live my daughter attends the Junction project and has a key worker.Does she have any support network and do you have anyone who can support you.I started going to addaction several weeks ago if only to gain more insight into what addiction is like for the addict and to help me in my responses to my daughter.It is very difficult to walk away when you have someone telling you that your daughter is a adult and makes her own choices,this is something I am constantly reminded of by my key worker but being a Mum makes us continue to try to help our children.I hope even one thing I have written helps a little in that I truly do understand your fears.
Take care
Erinshauna

[Lelee]

There is a way out and people have found it. Don't lose hope. I know how easy it is to sink into despair and not see an end to this. only the fear of a bad ending.

Detox and rehab are available and funded by services, the services vary depending on what area you are in.

Success can be measured in many ways and detox and rehab is not the only route. Some people are leading fulfilling lives on maintainace prescribing.

Of course there's always the chance of relapse but once someone has found a route to a better life they can retrace those steps again and learn from their triggers. Some people find NA invaluable.

I wouldn't dream of telling anyone what to do, just try and make helpful suggestions. Individual situations and needs vary so much.

Where there's life there's still hope. My friend lost her son last night through an overdose. he wasn't in treatment.

Would either of your daughters call our help line and talk to one of us? I know I've spoken to one in the past. They need to see there is hope and a future for them and life is worth living, that they're not alone and people have been through this and come out the other side.

You both need some respite from this too because it's so hard to cope with the continuity of it, day in day out. It wears you down.

We know our adult sons and daughters have choices but we also know that sometimes they're ill equipped to make them. If there's also mental health issues it's even harder.

Please ask them to call our help line. 

Linda x

[maggiem]

Thankyou so much for your replies Linda and Erinshauna.
So sad for your friends loss Linda that is exactly what Erinshauna and me are dreading.
As you can imagine my life is pretty manic with boxes stacked ready for the move, we have even sold our furniture to start afresh and garden chairs are not very comfortable.
Feeling unsettled and up until last week was fairly optimistic and excited, what timing!! She is feeling awful, sickness, can't sleep and says she won't be able to cope with the move, being totally irrational about things.  Has an appointment with doctor at KCA today but feels too ill to go, I would take her, afraid they will take her off the service.
She wishes that she had not come off of Methadone now!
She has not been out for 3 days now but she says the lure of the drugs are too strong.
I do think she needs councelling but she has always dismissed it, perhaps now she will consider it.
I will try Addaction once we have settled in, I need a release, husband too.
I will try to get her to call you but she is very negative at the moment.
Will be off line for a few days from wed but I will know there is the support out there!
Again thankyou both so much.
Maggiem x

[lynseyrachel]

hi maggiem, its lynsey here - you may remember me as you kindly replied to my post regarding heroin and femininity......................oh, wat can i say,my love, your having such a hard time at the moment, added to by the stress of your upcoming move. this, even at the best of times is a very stressful situation. you say your daughter feels like she cant cope with the move..........but she WILL, im sure of it. she kinda has no choice in the first instance but secondly, she has more inner strenghth than she credits herself with as she is so low and feeling so desperate. i hope your move brings to you and your family the fresh start you all so desperatly need. im certainly in no position to give out advice, but noticed you were online now and just wanted you to know that youre in my thoughts and il be thinking of you over the next few days, as you begin your move. (not just moving house but hopefully moving to a new life, too!!) try not to run yourself ragged...........i know you class yourself as a carer, but carers need someone to care for them, too, y'know!! - and you will certainly get that here!! i feel it must also be so hard for you, hun, becos there is no let-up for you. youre being mum, care-giver, shoulder-to-cry-on, etc, etc, day in, day out, 24/7. youre must feel like youre constantly having to be "Mrs. strong", when you probably dont feel strong at all. i really dont know what else to say to you, maggiem, except for again, i do so hope your situation improves and you can finally jump off this roller- coaster ride you feel you must be on. please keep strong, keep your chin up and good lick for your move!!
          best wishes, to all your precious family, love from lynsey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[maggiem]

Thankyou Lynsey, all those good vibes coming through!
Just come back from solicitors to find daughter out, even though she felt too ill earlier.  Glass of water with what looks like dilluted blood in it next to bed and the usual bits, I assume she has used again.  Fed up with the lies and lost promises.
I feel so very sorry for her and at the same time so bloody angry
Maggiem x

[Lelee]

I think you knew deep down your daughter was using again and didn't want to fully acknowledge it. The relapse, the lies, it's all part of it. They lie to themselves too. I've been through this several times with my son. The ultimate fear and dread  is the phantom wel live with and it is also the reality.

My son has taken me on this journey and shown me so much that I wouldn't have known about otherwise. (rather not known about)  relapse is part of the recovery. I remember when my son first relapsed. I thought my world had come to an end but that was also when I realised that there would be many other relapses and we had to learn to live and cope with it. It was going to be a long haul.

There's also the realisation that metaphorically speaking, you can give someone directions to the place they're looking for ,take them to the forked road, point out that one leads nowhere except suffering, show them the way, you can even carry them some way down the road in the right direction but if they don't want to be there and keep returning to the other road the load becomes too heavy  to carry and you have to put it down and continue with your own journey.

You can keep track of them, love them, continue showing them the right directions, but at the end of the day we all have free will and choices. We either lose ourselves down the road that leads to suffering with them, collapse from the weight we're trying to carry in the right direction, or we keep strong and realise we have a right to lead our own lives, and yes, even to happiness and take the steps that lead to recovery for ourselves. We need to be there when they need us but we need to be there for ourselves as well. It's getting the right balance.

 I don't advocate for turning our backs on our loved ones, I couldn't do it for the very same reasons as many. I don't want to lose track of my son while he's so vulnerable and heroin has such a hold on him. I worry more when he's not around than when he is. I'm grateful my son is still alive, and as I said, where there's life there's hope. I'm grateful to have these problems because I nearly lost him last year.

Keep strong and keep involved in their treatment if they allow you to be. Don't hesitate to get help from services if you feel they are seriously at risk.

Hope that makes sense. Maggie best of luck with your move and hope your daughter's okay and returns soon. Thinking of you, please keep posting. Erinshauna, how's it going?

Linda x 

   

[erinshauna]

Hi Lelee
Thanks for asking how things are,everything is up and down at present with me waiting for the storm after the calm so to speak.My daughter is still telling me that she is not taking the olanzaoine and is just sticking with prozac and the usual skunk every day although I know she has been drinking.She calls me everyday and says the same thing over and over and blames everyone else for her situation.Her daughter is now living with me and she has not spoken to her since last Saturday but if I remind her of that she verbally attacks me making irrational statements like "What are you trying to say!Why do you always put me down!Dont try to say I am a bad Mother etc etc,I am stressed,I cant cope etc etc.Geez stress is me having (as grandmother)to be assessed as a foster parent for my grandaughter,social workers,meetings,filling out forms,being police checked and yet I dont take drugs but my daughter is stressed.I couild really get so angry with her for what she has put her daughter and I  through but it would just cause more upset.I feel so sad for my grandaughter as she loves her Mum and obviously would like to live in her own home but it is not a safe enviorment.She has lately had to suffer rumours within her circle of friends that everybody in the area is talking about her family as apparently all her family are on drugs and she may have to go into care,of course this is untrue but you can imagine what is going on in this childs head.I do reassure her a lot and I take her to counselling  each week but she is affected by what has been going on.I hate drugs and how much they can destroy families.I am too frightened to even ask my grandaughter if she worries that her Mum may die and yet I fear she does question it in her mind.That is how it is at present lelee and again thanks for asking.
Maggiem I hope the move is not too difficult and your daughter came back home.Like me you keep on hanging on in there and I can only hope that each day everything seems a little better.
Erinshauna

[February]

Dear Maggie

So sorry to hear all your news, my heart goes out to you, your familly and your daughter. I hope things have improved. take care

February